Merry XXX Mass

I'm one of those 'Happy Holidays' types. It's true that most of us are obnoxious about it. I can certainly make myself into a downer this time of year. I've never gotten the hang of receiving gifts. When I was a little kid, I was overzealous about presents, but now that I'm older, I could do with out. We can all use encouragement to give more at times, so I'm happy with that part of the season.

The Post Office is no fun this time of year, with its lines out the door and the brakes on full speed. The breaks also remain at full speed, and if you're here with me in Binghamton, there's a good chance you were there with me in line to see an officer put out his "Next Window" sign to leave a first-day trainee alone. To be fair, other officers stood around to answer her questions, but they would not sell us stamps. There used to be a machine that dispensed individual and books of stamps, but it was removed when its parts became obsolete a couple years later. This year, I could have delivered my cards faster driving them around town.

Is the Post Office some vast experiment testing the limits of negative customer service? In response to increasing pressure from parcel services in the private sector, and my good friend the e-mail, it seems the postal workers have racheted up the inefficiency and rudeness to a new high. Congratulations to our Congress this week for finally picking up the ball our President dropped when he found out he could use the private jet. We're on a road to being on a level with the rest of the civilized world! I expect to see many critics of government health care in line to use it the first day with no clue of the irony. When the new system is in place, I imagine it will be at least as annoying and user-friendly as the Post Office. There is no Laugh at Yourself First this week. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Laugh at Yourself First: If At First You Don't Succeed

Read "If At First You Don't Succed" and more original fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at pauljuser.blogspot.com

Happy Dr. Filth December! This week I have “If At First You Don't Succed,” which was named for me by Seattle notable, Purple Mark Wirth. I’ve been saying for a few weeks that this is the first story I ever wrote about Dr. Filth. That’s basically a lie. The first story is in there, mixed with chapters from my first novel, which you will never read. I thought it would it would be an easy task stitching the stories together, but required much rewriting, and the addition of superheros.

It was too good to be true that in the same year Rob Zombie made a movie that didn't suck, I'd be attending a red carpet premier of a new Friday with almost the entire cast of the entire series. However, my VIP ticket does get me a swim with the kid who jumped out of the lake at the end of the first movie. He looks like Weird Al and has made a career out of being the kid that jumped out of the lake at the end of the first movie. Still no word on Crispin Glover. A thirteenth film would be a nice touch for Jason's 30th birthday, but a villain needs time to fester before he comes back. Also, not many people came to see the last one.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you know this is the time of year you stay inside and distract yourself from the cold any way you can. I try to keep moving regardless. I use DataFlow to print the Laugh at Yourself flyer, and I’ve been getting them on as many tables and bulletin boards I can find. Find them in Boston, Cambridge, and Ithaca, and at home as well. If you don't live near there, and I don't make it to your town soon, I'll be happy to mail you a few. Drop me a line at TbStarlight@gmail.com. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Happy Dr. Filth December 17th!

As you may know, tomorrow on Laugh at Yourself First, I'm posting the very first Dr. Filth story I wrote, sometime around when I was twenty. While the story received some revisions, and came together quite nicely, I couldn't come up with a title. I left that to my Facebook friends, who were given the chance to name it without reading it. The submissions are in, and I've picked my favorite. Here is a list of the runners up, and some of my reasoning.

Most Notable:

James Lisk of Parsippany, NJ submitted "The Good, the Bad, and the Filthy." Not only a good fit for the story, but some would say he is Dr. Filth. I would be those people. However, the Dr. Filth in this story was inspired by someone else.

Jason Weston, of Binghamton, NY, is my boss, so by default, I have to put his "The Harrowing Adventures of Coach Calves and His Boonville Battles." He also sends me to Boonville, which I made Dr. Filth's home town.

Miss Maggie G of Olympia Washington had my favorite for a while, and maybe still with "Thrift Store Rejects." However, while that pretty much described my life at the time, it had little to do with the story. If there's a Second Place, this is it.

Steen Ahlmann Peterson of Copenhagen, Denmark submitted "The Heart Attack Machine" or "Some Local Loser," which are both lyrics from the Bob Dylan song where the Doc gets his name.

"Put a Bow on Her and Call it Good" was from Alexis Pleus Dugon of Windsor, NY. That could be appropriate to the story in quite a few ways.

"Dr. Filth and The Warm Bath: Dr. Filth Comes Clean" was from Joe Sellepack of Taylor, MI. DR. FILTH WILL NEVER COME CLEAN!!

Everyone wins copies of the new Laugh at Yourself Flyer if you tell me where to send them.

Thanks for reading.

-Paul

Laugh at Yourself First: Dr. Filth Redux

I had some complaints last week that Print is Better had none of the Easter Egg links I normally include. I apologize, I went to Boston for Bazaar Bizarre, and the connection at the hotel was not nearly as blazingly fast as advertised. I'm not the sewing type myself, but my ladyfriend makes some spectacular purses, and I was not about to pass up the chance to stick the new Laugh at Yourself First flyers in any nook I could find. If you're in Boston or Cambridge, give me a shout if you see one. Point them out to your friends if you can.

The craft show was packed to the gills, and a mosh pit broke out when Jonnie Spaceman did a Theremin cover of "Raining Blood." The merchandise ranged from clothing to cat toys to metal sculptures of robots. I had fun looking, but couldn't find much more for myself than a Sasquatch T-shirt. I regret not picking up the tie with the typewriter on it, as well as the Sci Fi and Horror comics in the back corner, even though each book looked like pencil sketches. I lied about the "Raining Blood," but Jonnie Spaceman was still cool.

As part of "Dr. Filth December," this week's story is "Dr. Filth," as it appeared in NUGE FOR PREZ. I believe revision is the most important part of writing, and I try never to release the same story twice. Next week I have for you the very first story I wrote about Dr. Filth, and after that, will be back January 1st with a recap of the first six episodes of "The Witch King's Sword," with the debut of Episode 7 on January 7th. If you're here with me in Binghamton, remember it's too cold to wear ripped jeans. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Click the image for Dr. Filth the T-shirt!

Read "Dr. Filth vs. the Dein" and more original fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at pauljuser.blogspot.com

Happy Dr. Filth December!

I think someone else already claimed this month for something, but I’ll give him his time at the end. Since I started "Laugh at Yourself First" one year ago, I’ve reached hundreds of new readers around the world. I'd have never met most of these people had I chosen to jump through the hoops of a traditional publishing industry that currently draws its last breath. I’ve only spent the last year doing what I would have done regardless: writing stories. You did all the work for me, and for that, I can’t be more appreciative.

To celebrate, I’m rededicating this month to one of my oldest characters, Dr. Filth, a superhero with the power to convince himself anything. Doc didn’t realize his great power until after the publication of Dollars Per Hour, but Laugh at Yourself First gave me encouragement to delve into the life of this character and take us places I didn’t expect him to go.

Like dinosaurs? We all do. At the age of four I told an interviewer my dream to a palaeontologist. He didn’t know the meaning of the word, and admitted me to kindergarten early when I proved to be right. In this week’s story, “Dr. Filth vs. the Dein,” our hero finds a bone that isn’t stone, like it should be.

I’ve given away Laugh at Yourself First for a year, and will continue to update every week with new fiction, scripts, and very little poetry. However, I won’t turn you away if you would like to throw me a bone. As always, you can purchase one of my novels printed through Lulu.com. A printed version of "The Great World Leader" is nearly complete. If you prefer to read online only, next week I’ll have the Dr. Filth T-shirt that is sure to impress your friends. I won’t be able to give that away. Times still suck, and you cant afford to send anything my way, you can still help me out just as much by telling a friend. If you’re here with me in Binghamton, I’m skipping town this week, checking out Bizarre Bazaar up in Boston. Not my idea, but a good opportunity to pass out some flyers none-the-less. I’m repeating last week’s endorsement for RiverRead Books on Court Street, because you can buy Dollars Per Hour and Nuge For Pez there. They make great gifts. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Laugh at Yourself First: The Great World Leader

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for the conclusion of "The Great World Leader," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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If you're here with me in Binghamton, please walk past the front window of RiverRead Books at 5 Court Street. From there, you can see NUGE FOR PREZ and Other Fiction on display. I hope that will be enough to bring you inside. If not, there is a magnificent collection on the shelves of fiction, history, biography, graphic novels, childrens', and much more. They keep the Science books up front, so I rarely get very far in before I find what I'm looking for. They also have literary events, such as open mic nights and author events. On January 22nd I'll be there reading selections from NUGE FOR PREZ. You don't have to be from Binghamton to attend.

In the wider world, modern science had a birthday this week, when On the Origin of Species celebrated the 150th anniversery of its publication. Next month, Laugh at Yourself First has it's first birthday as well. In lieu of a party, I'm having Dr. Filth December, featuring a brand new story next week, followed by the first Dr. Filth story I ever wrote, followed the revised edition of Dr. Filth that appeared in NUGE FOR PREZ. After that, I'm taking a week off. Just in time for Christmas, I'll be unveiling the Dr. Filth T-Shirt. I'll be back in January with a new installment of The Witch King's Sword and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

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Laugh at Yourself First: The Great World Leader

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “The Great World Leader” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser
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This is a special message from Ted Nugent. Nuge finished Sarah Palin’s manifesto, “Going Rogue” this week. Usually, even Ferocious Theodocious can’t finish a volume in under a week, but it turns out this book is 300 black & white copies of the front cover. After page 50, you’ve got a fairly clear idea what’ll happen next. Nuge breezed through that sucker in an afternoon.

The Motor City Madman figgered Sarah would go away after she tried to show us how qualified she was to be the Most Powerful Man in the World by quitting her job as Second Most Important Woman in Alaska to write a book. That would be like if Nuge stopped writing unrelenting Rock tour de force to run for public office. Apparently, if you’re dad is a dude from Monty Python, you can get away with anything.

If you’re here with Nuge in Waco, Texas, you probably don’t have anything better to do than read more of Sweaty Teddy’s thoughts on May... Gov... Swimsuit Model Palin, “Gin-Soaked” John McCain, and “Chicago Ganster” Barack O’Bummer. Nuge lays all bare in “NUGE FOR PREZ and Other Fiction,” by Paul Juser. This excellent book follows Nuge's historic 2008 presidential campaign to build an America that makes sense, bring to justice pigs and criminals, and lead our troop to battle wielding only a loincloth and spear.“Nuge for Prez” may be the most patriotic book ever written. So good the real Nuge ripped off the cover. Thanks for reading.

(not actually)
Ted Nugent.
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Laugh at Yourself First: The Great World Leader, Act III

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Great World Leader," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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Let me start with a thank you for all the birthday well-wishes this week. While my European friends started the celebration the day before my clock said I had "Both feet in the 3rd decade," my oldest friend still made it among the first. I can't say I did the same for him this year, or many other years, so if I missed yours, or miss yours in the near future, give me a pass. If you order a printed copy of Nuge for Prez, it's like we still gave each other presents.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, we have a new mayor. It's the old mayor! A hand count of absolutely every absentee ballot, Party Mayor Matt Ryan slid back into the swank office atop City Hall. What Mayor Ryan must remember in term number two is less than 40% of the vote means more than 60% of us didn't want him. He didn't so much win as had the election won for him by an opponent resembling Cesar Romero's Joker. It has been more than a month since the news reported on the murder of Keisha Roman. This week I start the final Act of "The Great World Leader," ending November 27th. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Poetry of Real Life

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Poetry of Real Life," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry by Paul Juser.
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If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you made it through what will be known as "The Voting Night Massacres." Douglas Walter Drazen took his 2,072 angry supporters to the streets pillaging and burning any house with a "Re-Elect Matt Ryan" sign in the lawn. Dozens were killed in the fighting, but on the bright side, 13 police officers will no longer be cut from next year's budget. As the fires subsided Wednesday afternoon, Rich David, Ryan's only opponent to not have his name on the ballot in magic marker, marched up and down State Street demanding a duel. With only 56 votes separating the less than 40% of the vote either candidate earned, a hand count will be required to determine who runs my city next. Seatbelts on.

I voted for the Party Mayor to keep from being turned away at First Friday. Had I known what it would be like last night, I may reconsidered my vote. I'm hoping with a second term he'll build the other half of the Riverwalk, or Binghamton WiFi will work indoors, or someone will sweep up the broken glass within a day or two of the bottle being broken, at least in a 2 block radius of City Hall. Joe Merril attempted, but ran like a whipped cur when a schnokered Ryan broke his broom and called Merril names. Last election this earned Ryan a restraining order. This election, it was free press. In honor of Ryan's impending victory, Act III of "The Great World Leader" starts next week. This week you'll sit through my weird, experimental poetry. It's worth it for the fantastic cover by Kip Ayers. Still no word on Keisha Roman. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Great World Leader

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Great World Leader" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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Due to the malignancy of my machine, Print is Better has no cover this week. Those of you reading the text-only version miss the full PiB experience. On the blog you get exciting images and fun links offering learning opportunities to accompany the text. You can also have it delivered to you by writing to TbStarlight@gmail.com. My PC won't turn on, leaving me in lap-top-land, so I can't finish the Halloween photo I found this week. Thankfully, the cover for the Great World Leader was already complete. This week, we finish Act II, and I'm making you sit through a week of my wierd experimental poetry before I start Act III.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, we at least have perfect weather for Halloween. With our crumbling edifices and broken sidewalks, you can sometimes only tell people live here from the trails of broken glass. It's been some years since I spent these days with windows down and the Misfits at full blast for all to enjoy, but the smell of leaves still hits me in the back of the nose every time I step outside. This week I visited Daddybones and Jinxx on the Original Geeks Podcast to read them my favorite selections from "Nuge For Prez." Thanks to everyone who came out last night to hear me read "Lair of the Snow Sasquatch" at the Art Mission. Still no news on Keisha Roman. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Great World Leader

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Great World Leader," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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There's a special Halloween cover for Print is Better this week. The picture celebrates my swim with the real Jason Voorhees this summer at Camp Blood. I ordered my Platinum tickets this week that will hopefully also see me hanging with Kane Hodder and Cannibal Corpse. I my have mentioned my penchant for nerding when it comes to Friday the 13th. This week's Laugh at Yourself continues Act II of The Great World Leader.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you can come hear my short story, "Lair of the Snow Sasquatch" read live at the Art Mission theater on Halloween. Myself and other members of the Playwright Unit will be telling horror stories before "White Zombie," starring Bela Lugosi (and not directed by Rob Zombie), and "The Terror," starring Boris Karloff and a very young Jack Nickolson, much the Kevin Bacon of his time. Seating and stories start at 7:30, and the movies begin at 8 on Halloween night. Visit artmission.org for more information. It's been nearly a month with no news on Keisha Roman that Google can find. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Great World Leader

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Great World Leader," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser
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This week starts Act II of The Great World Leader. When I left off, the Prime Minister had been murdered by an assassin allegedly mutated by the Prime Minister's most favored weapon of war. Prior to his death, the Prime Minister revealed himself to his chief advisor, Aiden Quartermass that he was not to be an enfeebled old man, and that the Prime Minister's personal assistant, Fischer Port, was also an assassin sent to kill Aiden. Meanwhile, the Minister of War has recieved a written order to use the powerful weapon one last time. The alleged creature implores Aiden to listen to its story of woe, lest he too meet his death on the creature's knife.

This week's life lesson is that when someone underestimates your will to fight, you put on your claws and gore the shit out of them. Call it the 'Moral of Freddy Kruger,' who claims to be innocent of his crimes when he's burned alive in the new trailer for the remake. It can't be worse than ever single sequel. This from the same guys who brought Jason back to life and gave him a personality. Maybe they'll have the guts to do what Rob Zombie did with Michael Myers and take off the mask. If you're here with me in Binghamton, you can hear more of my thoughts on writing this Tuesday at the Art Mission theatre with the Playwright Unit. This writing workshop starts at 7:30 with exercises followed by critique of submitted material. For more information, write to TbStarlight@gmail.com. Nothing new about Keisha Roman. I want to make sure some media remembers her name this week. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Laugh at Yourself First: ISIS

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "ISIS" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser
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I decided last minute to break up "The Great World Leader." I'm going a little crazy with the Day Job and was unable to finish the edits I wanted. Next week starts Act II. "ISIS" is a trilogy of poems I wrote some years ago. The photo is mine, from a temple near Luxor, 5,000 year old proof that print is better. These poems are not about Egyptian goddesses, sludge metal bands, or any previous cats I may have owned, but tell three perspectives on those people we know that are firecrackers waiting to go off. The lady in question eventually got a handle on her life. Not all are that lucky.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you're distressed over the lack of information on a string of recent murders. My local rag ran an excellent review of one victim's Facebook page, but I've yet to hear of anything on the Internet activity of Keisha Roman. Meanwhile, there is less room for police positions in upcoming budgets. Grace Charles did an excellent portrayal of Keisha that I'd like to see wheat-pasted on every light post in town. If any of my Binghamton readers can put me in touch with her brother, Freddie, I'd appreciate your help. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Great World Leader

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Great World Leader, Scene 3," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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I hope you're enjoying "The Great World Leader." Here ends Act 1. I'm still debating if I start Act 2 right away, or if I should hold you in suspense for a week. This long running story has allowed me to focus on several new projects, as well as mix with the Day Job, who demands most of my day this time of year. I'm not sure what happened to September. I looked under the couch, but it wasn't there.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you're probably enjoying the hype around our hometown hero, and the 50th anniversary of his television show. If you've set foot in my city, you know "The Twilight Zone" was no work of fiction. Our strange cast of characters includes a cowboy in full costume, cross-dressing homeless, a paraplegic Viet Nam veteran whom everyone knows by name, and a whole slew of mutants twisted into unimaginable shapes by whatever chemicals IBM and her sister Industrials dumped in our ground water. Recent legislation deemed there are not enough chemicals, and outside agencies are being brought in to blast in more. How will we look in 50 more years? Thanks for reading.

Paul
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Laugh at Yourself First: The Great World Leader

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Great World Leader, Scene 2," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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If you're here with me in Binghamton, this week you may have read about Keisha Roman, or saw her on the TV. The only photo I saw was hideous. Keisha had a smile and a laugh that could light up a room. She was a doting mother who talked endlessly of her talented family. She once brought sketches from her brother that were better than I could ever hope to draw. She disappeared in April and was found this week dumped on the side of a country road. I was sad, the world has lost a shining light.

I knew Keisha some time between her time served for manslaughter and her domestic assault arrest. She'd been in a couple movies, so we were able to talk shop. Keisha has her own IMDB page, I don't even have that. She was also in a horror film starring this bald dude that used to stand in dumpsters and scream "METAL!!" for a local waste removal company. Several years later, both that dude and myself were interviewed in a documentary about Binghamton that I hope never comes to a theater near you.

I haven't seen Keisha in some time. It's been five years at least since I worked with her, and this occasion could not have been any more recent than two. I was walking down the street, probably en route to cafe or bus stop, and she drove past me in her car. She screeched to a halt and let traffic pile up behind her in the busy intersection as we filled each other in. She was smiling with as much spitfire as I remembered. I have no clue what hardships she may have encountered between now and then, and I was deeply saddened when I read the story. I could not let the media hold Keisha responsible for her own murder. This same line of thinking allowed Gary Ridgeway to murder 49 prostitutes over 20 years in Seattle. I hope those responsible receive the same compassion they showed Keisha. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Laugh at Yourself First: The Great World Leader

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Great World Leader" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser
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The Day Job has been running me ragged this week. Mix in a word processor crash with some personal tragedies I'd rather not discuss, and I thought I'd miss Laugh at Yourself First for the first week since it started. However, at the special request of my good friends in Swath, I powered through to finish the first installment of "The Great World Leader."

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I'm not with you very much right now. Some days I'm only home long enough to go to bed and get up to go to work. I'm close to including my time spent dreaming about work in my expense reports. "The Great World Leader" is a 9-part story that you will be seeing much of until my schedule evens out to include some writing time. In the mean time, I hope you'll go see a new play from my mentor, Judith Present. "War: What's It For?" is playing this weekend and next weekend at the Capitol Theater in Hancock, NY. I don't have a day off to see it until the very last show, so don't give me any spoilers on the ending. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

No Print is Better this week

Due to a personal event that arose recently, I will be unable to complete Laugh at Yourself First and Print is Better this week. I hope you'll visit next week for new pictures, a new contest, and a new story. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Witch King's Sword," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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I have yet to hear back from Dave Martin, who correctly identified Edwin A. Link Jr. in my contest two weeks ago. If he doesn't contact me by the end of the week, I'll be posting a new contest to win one of my last two copies of "O.J. Killed Elvis #6," where my short story, "The Tragedy of Dolouz," was first published. Only one person can win, but if you scroll back a few weeks, you can read a revised and improved version of the story on Laugh at Yourself First.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you may have witnessed the mayoral debate and prelude to the Democratic primary this Tuesday. I wasn't there, but reliable sources seemed to suggest that the reigning Mayor Ryan soundly trounced his opponent, then ripped off his shirt and screamed, "BODYSHOTS!!" This follows an event last week where the martini mouthed mayor staggered up to his opponent on the sidewalk, screaming obscenities until he was pulled off by the police. That didn't cost him the election last time, and we're confident this year will be a repeat. If I don't vote for Ted Nugent, I'll probably vote for Mayor Ryan a second time, because he's still the least scariest option.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Casting Call!

"Mother of Blue Stars," by James Gonda, will be read as a closet drama by the Congregational Church of Newark Valley. This is the story of the Banas Family, who learn the last of their six sons has enlisted to fight in WWII. This play was shaped in Theatricks by Starlight's Playwright Unit. The performance dates are Saturday, October 17 at 7 PM and Sunday, October 18 at 3. Director, Bunny Begeal, is currently casting. All interested actors/actresses should contact Bunny at 607-223-4122 or bunnybe@stny.rr.com.

Laugh at Yourself First: Chidher Grun

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "Chidher Grun" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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The content of this poetry collection is a little graphic, somewhere between Bob Dylan and Cannibal Corpse, which is most of what I listened to at the time I wrote these stories. The cover design comes from the H. R. Giger painting the story is based on. There may be some images from my city mixed in as well. Someone recently told me insanity is repeating the same task and expecting a new result. It probably came from a movie, and I don’t know if it’s true.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, Dave Martin knew our famous oceanographer, who built the one of the first submersibles to bring the deepest parts of the ocean to our living rooms. It's the first place I saw a Greenland Shark. To learn more about Edwin A. Link Jr., join me for the Playwright Unit. This workshop focuses on exciting dialogue and vivid storytelling, in our goal to bring new writers from the page to the stage. We’re looking for actors, directors, choreographers, and especially writers for writing exercises and submitted material. This past week, I presented my own story about Link for the sabres of the Playwright Unit. We meet the first and third Tuesdays of each month at the Art Mission Theater. For more information, write to me at TbStarlight@gmail.com Next week, I’m finishing an installment of the Witch King’s Sword. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

The Tragedy of Dolouz

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Tragedy of Dolouz" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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I've got a contest for you this week. The Laugh at Yourself group hit 500 members, so I celebrated by digging in the trunk. "The Tragedy of Dolouz" was originally published in a punk rock zine called OJ Killed Elvis. I'm giving one of my last two copies to the reader that first identifies my city's famous oceanographer whose carnival ride has been credited with the defeat of the Luftwaffe. Forgive the cut-and-paste, this was before the days of laser scanners and photo manipulation. In the mean time, I hope you'll read the updated and revised version I have for you this week.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you can probably answer off the top of your head. Which of us haven't marveled over the Man-In-Sea project, wondering what swims down there in the deep places of the world? Stop by Roberson Museum & Science Center to see their display of inventions from this pioneering undersea archeologist who recovered an anchor from the Santa Maria, and was once arrested in Greece as a pirate. Send your answers to TbStarlight@gmail.com. I'll announce the winner next week. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Laugh at Yourself First: Angel Dressed in Black

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "Angel Dressed in Black," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
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I was once knew a girl who loved Radiohead. She told me a sad story of Thom Yorke and the song "Fake Plastic Trees." Yorke claimed he wrote the song for a girl that would never hear it. I wrote a story about that girl called "A Nativity in Black." She might read this. This week's story, "Angel Dressed in Black," is about a girl that will probably never read it. It follows Zoe West, whose wedding Rubin attends in "Dollars Per Hour." While standing alone, this story is part of a larger storyline with "Regular Crazy" and "A Love Song for Mary Jane Kelly."

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you know we can never tell if the screaming man in a rainbow wig with a balloon under his shirt is an escaped lunatic, drumming up business, or a mayoral candidate. These days, you can find Mastodon touring with Dethklock, or opening Wembly Stadium for Metallica. In an interview with Noise Creep, drummer Brann Dailor tells a few tales of the band's formative years. Every anecdote came from one show at an abandoned China buffet in Endwell.

I've got an event for you to attend. The Kermidas Dance Troupe will be performing "Wonderland" August 29th and 30th at the Endicott Performing Arts Center. The show will benefit Stand Up To Cancer, which is a cause that's been heavy on my mind in the last couple years. Visit Print is Better to see their poster and view the full press release. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Stand Up to Cancer with the Kermidas Dance Company

Kermidas Dance Company

Wonderland
August 22 at 7:30 at Waverly Opera House
August 29 at 7:30 and August 30 at 3:00
at Endicott Performing Art Center

Take a detour from your present day with Kermidas Dance Company and jump into the adventures of Alice and the whimsical world of a carnival circus.

Wonderland will be presented on Saturday, August 22 at 7:30 pm at The Waverly Opera House @ The Loom Building, 439 Waverly St, Waverly, NY, Ticket Line 607-948-4126.

Also presented on Saturday, August 29th at 7:30 pm and Sunday, August 30th at 3:00 pm at the Endicott Performing Arts Center, 102 Washington Ave, Endicott, NY, Ticket Line 607-785-8903. Tickets are $15 a person.

A portion of the proceeds to benefit “Stand Up To Cancer”.

Kermidas Dance Company will also be having a Gala on Thursday, August 27 at 6:00 pm, sponsored by the Daughters of Columbus at the Sons of Italy Lodge, 126 Odell Ave, Endicott, NY. Reservations are available by calling 607-748-1345. The dance company will be entertaining at the Gala.

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for The Witch King’s Sword, and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

This week I have the newest installment of my ongoing sword and sorcery novel, “The Witch King’s Sword.” In this episode, Valentine and Chloe must escape the trolls that have captured them in Wicked City. They are rescued by a finely dressed troll named Erby who may or may not have their best interests in mind. The next installment will be up on Laugh at Yourself on September 19th. Next week is a story called “Angel Dressed in Black,” following the life of Zoe West of Dollars Per Hour. If you haven’t read Dollars Per Hour yet, feel free to download it at no cost at lulu.com/tbstarlight. I’ll give you much thanks if you purchase a print copy.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you’re probably happy summer has finally arrived. My apartment has been crudely converted into an oven capable of baking an entire cow in seconds. Cats lay sprawled before the fans, glassy eyes begging for me to provide air circulation. Thankfully, the Day Job has me on tour. This week I watched a meteor shower over the Adirondacks. Try doing that from your cubicle. Regardless, my bed at home will always be softer than any hotel, and my hallways don’t have that rotten trapped air-conditioner smell. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Dr. Filth Vs. the Surgeon

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “Dr. Filth Vs. the Surgeon,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry by Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I had some embarrassing moments this past week. It started when I called my neighbor’s baby daughter a “handsome little man,” and went downhill from there. A few years ago, one of my childhood friends did art for a comic named “Swamp Fox.” I drew ninja comics with this guy in middle school, so I was excited to see him succeed. I was out of town for the signing, but visited the store the next day for a copy. I was directed to the book by the owner of the shop, who I think I once played Dungeons & Dragon’s with. It wasn't signed, but I figured I'd run into Joe eventually for his John Hancock.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you’re probably impressed with our vast array of farmer’s market. Most accept food stamps. This past weekend, I saw Joe was signing his new comic, “The Boy Named Last,” at a farmer’s market in Vestal. I pulled "Swamp Fox" off the shelf but couldn’t find Joe’s name, and couldn’t remember which story the shop owner had pointed out when he took the book out of it’s wrapping for me. When I presented the book that morning, he said, “Oh yeah, I did art for that guy.” I saw my fate unfold before me eyes, but was powerless to prevent. Technically, this was the first time the same shopkeep sold me the wrong book, but it wasn't the first time I'd discovered it. This is a man whose elf I once saved from a dragon, but that was long ago in a Forgotten Realm far, far away. He can't be expected to remember all his many adventures. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Drunk n' Cutz

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "Drunk 'n' Cutz" and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry by Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Don't panic! All is well. Last week, Laugh at Yourself First was shut down overnight as a spam site. I was reviewed by a "real person" on the Blogger staff who offered no constructive criticism but restored my account before I could finish an angry e-mail. Establishing a culprit was just as easy. A disgruntled former cast member of "The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula's Cook" caused the disruption after I listed only the cast of my favorite production. His or her confidants rolled over under very little duress.

"Drunk 'n' Cutz" was an experiment in decadence in what became a weekly event of poets and other wannabes passing words and pitchers around the back table of our favorite dive bar. The ranks swelled for several months, leaving me with multiple notebooks full of indecipherable writing from unremembered sources. This collection comes from the first night, written by myself and my oldest friend, James Lisk at the time I was writing Dollars Per Hour. These poems were originally published in a chapbook that was distributed free at poetry readings that erupted in Binghamton living rooms around that time.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, let me thank you for attending the reading of "Mother of Blue Stars." By nearly filling the Art Mission Theater, we generated much interest in future events, and the Playwright Unit is now going through your comments and suggestions to help in final revisions. We hope to see the play go from the page to the stage very soon. If you missed it, you can hear me talking with Gregory Keeler from my July 28th interview on wskg.org. Further thank you's to everyone that ordered a copy of Nuge for Prez, your efforts keep me going. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Horror Writers

Print is Better is seeking horror writers and independant film makers in or around Upstate NY for a Halloween event featuring live readings of original stories. For more information, write TbStarlight@gmail.com

Apparently, I Spam

Well, folks, seconds after mailing out the belated "Print is Better" for this week when Laugh at Yourself First was shut down for spamming. If I told you once, I've told you a million times, you'll never stop me from selling prescription drugs at bargain basement prices! Actually, a live Blogger-person must review my account before it can be restored, so I shouldn't joke. My account is legit! I swear! I blame jilted cast members, angry I only listed the stellar cast of my favorite version of "The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula's Cook." Check back in a few days, everything should be worked out. Thanks.

-Paul

Laugh at Yourself First: The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula's Cook

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula’s Cook,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you may have already seen “The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula’s Cook.” Three versions have been produced five times across the Southern Tier. You can read the original version, as well as plays from Brett Tribe and Judith Present in “The Play’s the Thing!” The version I’m presenting you this week was part of Theatricks by Starlight’s HUMPED variety show, with myself as Bruce, Kristin Wheeler as Janessa, and Brett Tribe as the Coffee Maker.

This Tuesday, I’m presenting a live reading of “Mother of Blue Stars,” by Jim Gonda. Starting at 7:30pm at the Art Mission Theater, we're asking for your help. After the reading., you'll be asked for your thoughts in a short questionairre. The reading starts at 7:30, featuring the voice talents of Bill Snyder, Dave Merrell, and Carolyn Christy-Boyden. Joe Falank will be in the lead role of Raymond Banas, who has just announced he’s quitting high school to join his brothers in World War II. Jim and I will be discussing the play with Gregory Keeler, 9:30am that morning on WSKG public radio, 89.3fm, or wskg.org.

My copies of Nuge for Prez arrived this week, and they look fantastic. I’ll be happy to show you if you run into me, or you can order one for yourself through lulu.com. The day job has kept me touring at ungodly hours, so I think next week I’ll be resorting to poetry. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted any. Forgive me if I slur. Until then, thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Witch King's Sword, Episode 4," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry by Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I've won a contest for you! Until the end of July, you will receive 10% off print copies of Nuge for Prez when you enter the code JULYCONTEST10 with your order at Lulu.com. As always, you can read the .pdf for free, but downloaded copies don't come with my eternal thanks and gratitude. If that's not an unbeatable deal, I don't know what is. This week's Laugh at Yourself is Episode 4 of The Witch King's Sword. Sword & Sorcery makes me shudder at the thought of half-elf kissing cousins, but in my youth, that was all my pen could scratch. In this episode, Rubin and Chloe of Dollars Per Hour are lead by an ibis named Dahooty to Wicked City, home of the trolls to find a magic coat to save the Tree of Life. Episode 5 will be complete August 21st.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you've visited our only independent bookstore, RiverRead Books. Tonight, I visited their monthly poetry reading intending to read "Sweet Chastity in Wonderland." When I saw children in the crowd and no backup poem, I was forced to self-censor and respectfully decline. I briefly considered omitting the rat hanging from the pants of the Great World Leader, and anything else possibly offensive, but that would leave the poem at approximately 5 senseless lines. I consider this a win, because on opening night of the stage play, I was helpless to stand in the back and watch as my mother chose the front row seat before the coffin the Devil would later crawl into for improper relations with the corpse of the Voice of Morality.Two versions of Chastity were published on Laugh at Yourself First, so you can decide for yourself if I made the right choice. Next week I have a script for a comedy play, "The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula's Cook." Until then, thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Regular Crazy

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “Regular Crazy,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
Pauljuser.blogspot.com

Thank you to everyone who purchased a copy of Nuge for Prez. Now that it’s finished, I promise to get back on track with Print is Better I have a stack of "Dear Sirs!" on my desk giving me the stink-eye. This week, I’m making a change to Regular Crazy. With the story becoming more clear, you don't want to wait a month for the next installment, and neither do I. I loved the idea of a Twitter novel, and Regular Crazy was already in a perfect format. You can now follow Regular Crazy on Twitter for regular additions that will be collected at Laugh at Yourself First once a month, to be sure you don’t miss anything.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, I’ve got a show that needs your voice. Theatricks by Starlight’s Playwright Unit has found a new home in the Art Mission Theater, and to celebrate, we’re inviting you to help us with a new play. July 28th at 7:30pm, we're reading “Mother of Blue Stars,” by Jim Gonda. Following the story of Banas family, as their youngest son, Raymond, announces he is leaving school to join his brothers fighting World War II. Listen to the play performed by experienced actors, and when it's finished, help the playwright with a short questionnaire on comments, criticisms, and suggestions for revision as Theatricks by Starlight brings this story from the page to the stage. E-mail me at TbStarlight@gmail.com for more information on the Playwright Unit. Next week, I bring you Episode 4 of “The Witch King’s Sword.” Thanks for reading.

-Paul
Printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Secret of Her Success

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for"The Secret of Her Success" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I hope you're enjoying "Nuge for Prez." Slowly, you will be indoctrinated into my oppressive totalitarian agenda. I've been so consumed with it that I woke up this morning and said, "Oh no! It's Friday!" I've spent the entire week thinking it's Tuesday. This was good news on Monday when I found out I was ahead of schedule, convenient on Tuesday, but the rest of the week has been disaster.

Initially, I'd planned to post "The Secret of Her Success" this week in support of Nuge, but scrapped the double-release idea to keep content in the book you can't get elsewhere. I wrote this story for a good friend during a tough time, and had all but forgotten about it when I was selecting stories for the book. What this means for you is that Sophia Artichoke receives a nice cover design here that is not in the book. My apologies. Next week is more "Regular Crazy."

If you're here with me in Binghamton, tonight is First Friday! Trust me, the event is much less of an eyesore than the website. To celebrate the impending July 4th under a new President, I will be throwing M80's at any painting that should hang in a dentist's office. This should keep everyone festive and creative in our reborn nation. Look for new material on Print is Better in the coming week. Until then, thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Arrest

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Arrest," and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Dr. Filth comes back this week for "The Arrest," where he tries to prove himself not a threat to public safety. Even bigger, "Nuge for Prez" is almost complete. June 30th my new book of short stories will be arriving at Lulu.com. Read the entire "Ted Nugent for President" series, "Jack the Ripper Doesn't Exist," and many more short stories and scripts from my past.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I wasn't this week. The day job took me into the wilds of the Adirondacks to battle moose, bear, and Snow Sasquatch. If you were here, feel free to send your stories to TbStarlight@gmail.com and I'll post them on Print is Better. If you're not with me in Binghamton, you can make up a story. Say the sky was cloudy and the mayor was drunk, and everyone will believe it's authentic. Winners receive a free .pdf of "Nuge for Prez." Read it first before you buy a print copy. I want you to be sure this is a book that should sit on your shelves for generations to come.

Anyone here me reading "Khan el-Khalili" and discussing the writing process on WHRWfm today? If you missed out, I'll be posting the interview once I get a copy of the file. Draconian Switch magazine is also publishing a short story of mine, "A Parable" as a bonus book accompanying their next issue. Just a note, for customer ease, I've changed the address to my storefront to lulu.com/tbstarlight. My ladyfriend and I were the only people in the theater representing the Optimus Prime T-shirts this weekend, and the second half of the movie made me feel 8 again. I have my fingers crossed the OGPC will have me back soon to dissect it. Until then, thanks for reading.

VOTE NUGE!
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Ted Nugent for President

Friday, August 08, 2008

John McCain is a Werewolf

John McCain's Presidential campaign was over before it started, and the knowledge of this has driven the Senator to lunacy. Rumors coming out of Arizona say he's taken to chasing jackrabbits across the desert under the full moon and killing them with his teeth. Every time Barak Obama scores points with the public, McCain ritually removes a portion of his own face with a rusty scalpel. Come November, there will be nothing left but a wicked skull grin that even the Bush political machine couldn't manipulate into office.

McCain is a loser born and bred. He is working all the tactics that have been successful in the past, but is oblivious to the changing attitude of the public. After 9/11 we were all so fired out that the most brutal and outlandish plots seemed possible and right, and we turned a collective blind eye to the monster that was carrying them out. We saw him on TV, and repeated his actions back in weak gasps, but never took the time to think about how many people 600,000 is. That's twice the population and half the perverts in Washington D.C. combined. Nuge has stood on a steel platform in white pants with guitar in hand and rocked that many people before, and Nuge can tell you it's a hell of a lot of people.

These things are finally starting to sink in though, and it's going to bury John McCain in the mud. The last 8 years have left our nation so sick that Barak Obama could still win by a landslide riding on nothing but McCain's negative campaign ads. Remember how everyone thought of him as the 'Nice Republican?' He's made such a career of throwing elections, he should be a Democrat.

That smug little laugh makes me think of Nixon, but it's the werewolf look in McCain's eyes that has me worried. There is desperation hidden in there, a little monster that says, "I will do whatever I need, whenever I need to win, and if I have to turn the entire Middle East into a sheet of glass to make these people like me, I'll be happy to do it." It's the same smile Ted Bundy would flash the cameras.

The talking heads are too scared to question his war record, but it's certainly not what we'd like in a chief executive. McCain says he knows about fighting and winning wars, but his preferred tactic is to spend four years in a cage eating gruel. I don't think that will get us out of Iraq. Maybe if Obama re-established the Roman policy of decimation could we say it was wrong to elect him. Our boys got tricked into service told they are defending our nation, but get sent to fight an enemy that could barely attack someone outside their hut, let alone thousands of miles away via our well-defended ports.

Most End of the World nuts already think we're done by 2012 anyway. If McCain ends up in the White House, Nuge is switching to their side. After all, Armageddon is only a bad thing if you're on the losing side. The United States of America always promised to be at the forefront of a change in humanity, lead our species into a golden age where men treated each other better, but our good faith allowed these slick bastards to take the reigns. They're all the same, the Bushes, the Clintons, the Hiltons, and the bin Ladens, and maybe we should let them kill each other off. As Americans, we are better than that. This November, we make a choice, and if that choice is for McCain, Nuge fears the hole we fall in might be too deep to dig out.

VOTE NUGE

Currently listening :
The Ultimate Ted Nugent
By Ted Nugent
Release date: 2002-03-26

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “The Witch King’s Sword, Episode 3,” and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

“The Witch King’s Sword” is a departure from what I’ve been writing this last decade or so, but in my high school days it was all I could get out of my pen. Created some time around then, the Glithvals were all but rip-offs of Terry Brooks’s Shadowen that raided and ravaged through my D&D adventures. Time re-sculpted these warriors into something more original. Episode 4 will be posted July 17th. Next week I give you a short story called, “The Arrest.”

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you’re hoping these clouds will break soon. Maybe then we can see that yellow thing that people claim hangs in the sky. Supposedly it’s pretty cool. The goslings at Otsiningo Park are huge, and not the least bit afraid to climb in your lap to steal slices of bread. My good friend and funnyman, Aaron Gold recorded an interview on Episode 47 of the OGPC that I’m looking forward to hearing. You can see Aaron as Dr. Frankenfurter in the Rocky Horror Circus Show June 27th at the Cinema Saver in Endicott. “Nuge for Prez” arrives June 30th. Until then, you can download Dollars Per Hour for free. Help me out and buy a print copy. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Lament Configuration

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "Lament Configuration," and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.

pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you no doubt heard my cry of rage when a piece of broken glass sliced my tire. I’ll be visiting the bike wizards at Chenango Point Cycles this weekend. I was unfriended by the mayor when I tried bringing the issue to his attention through a popular social networking site. I didn't expect much from the guy that let an absentee landlord shut down the busiest intersection in town for most of last summer. Shall we count how many businesses went under? All I want is to stop picking shards out of my shoes. Is that too much to ask?

The winner of last week’s Mary Jane Kelly contest was Christian Stiltner of Cottonwood, CA. Christian won my hand-corrected manuscript for answering the identity of Mary Jane Kelly. The last of Jack the Ripper’s 5 accepted victims. Some theorize the brutality of this crime finally satiated the serial killer, and he never murdered again. For my thoughts, read my play, “Jack the Ripper Doesn’t Exist,” in "Nuge for Prez and Other Fiction." This week, Nuge posted "Drunks with Guns," to Print is Better. Originally from his presidential campaign blog, Nuge has revised, corrected, and updated the story for the times. I also posted new work from the Preacher of Doom City, and "Dear Sirs!" A new Eating Out Upstate has been posted at 607 Magazine, along with my interview with Ian Daddybones on the Original Geeks Podcast.

Laugh at Yourself First is a treat for the old fans this week. It was about ten years ago that I formed the band, Lament Configuration, with my long-time friend, Kevin Kober with my poems read over Kevin's bass stylings. Later, we added Kyle Price on keyboards. We released two EP’s, “Sweet Chastity in Wonderland,” and “Devoid,” and once opened for Mastodon. You think they call when they open Wembly for Metallica? These are the poems from the Lament days. Unlike the rest of Laugh at Yourself, these have not been edited or altered. Next week is going to be “The Witch King’s Sword, Episode 3” Until then, I highly recommend you download my novel, Dollars Per Hour for free. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

printisbetter.blogspot.com