Laugh at Yourself First: Salt Works

Read Salt Works and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

For a number of reasons, I don’t like writing stories that make my political leanings. First and foremost, I’d rather leave you thinking at the end. If my stories were nothing but a list of my whacked-out leftist views you’d be bored to death. If you want proof, go listen to a CRASS album. Why do you think I chose Ted Nugent for a character?

“Salt Works” came differently though. I don’t care if you know I’m completely against the hydrofracking that is currently plaguing Upstate New York and the rest of the Marcellus Shale formation. I drive far and wide through Upstate on a daily basis, and I love what I see. If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you know that the drive from here to Syracuse resembles something out of a JRR Tolkien novel, with rolling hills and endless, deep green forests. Tolkien also cloaked his sources, and frequently denied that the epic battles in the Lord of the Rings were inspired by what he saw fighting in WWI.

I thought I had the story ready for posting weeks ago, but then I started reading “Salt: A World History” by Mark Kurlansky, and saw not only do the frackers lack foresight, but hindsight as well. The issue has been reduced to a crude joke that appears in windows, on bumper-stickers, on the news, and out of the mouths of people willing to look past the sick children and fouled water and see the dollar signs. By the way, that is a quote I overheard from a board meeting held in my local cafe by the directors of a drilling company. I wish I could take credit for such a good line.

I am a fiction writer. The events detailed in “Salt Works” didn’t all happen around Syracuse. However, when these events happened, wherever they happened in the world, the salt miners denied responsibility. Oil and natural gas form near salt barriers, and salt mining directly gave birth to the oil and natural gas industries. I don’t want to make it sound like I won’t laugh at a good fart joke, but not when it’s in reference to what I use to wash my dishes, bathe in, and drink. It’s a movement. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Pretty Much Name-Dropping

The Print is Better I wrote this week pertained mainly to my show last night at RiverRead Books, so it wasn't much us to anyone that wasn't here with me in Binghamton. For the rest of you, the event was a lot of fun. Thanks to Ian Daddybones of the OGPC for announcing your next President, and then me. Apparently, I repeatedly said I'd be at the Mad Moose Sunday, January 31st. In truth I'll be at the Mad Monk's. If you're not with me in Binghamton, this is funny, because the Mad Moose is a bar around the corner from the Mad Monk's. It's nice, but the walls are covered with severed animal heads, which I find to make an unpleasant drinking situation. There is also a Loyal Order of Moose down the street from the Mad Monk's with a surprisingly sweet ball room.

For those with me in Binghamton, I'll be performing VOTE NUGE, and sharing the stage with Derek Thoby and Aaron Gold. If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you remember him from Team Boomsplosion! with one of my closest friends, Brett Tribe. Brett recently passed away to the afterlife that is Austin, TX. We communicate via text message and Ouija board, talking mostly about the merits of Friday the 13th. If you're in Austin, TX., you should go see Brett Tribe. He's funny.

For next week, I've written a story about giant hypodermic needles injecting poison directly into the Earth. No, it's not Captain Planet fanfiction. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

Print is Better: VOTE NUGE

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you'll be able to join me for the debut performance of my one-man show, VOTE NUGE, tomorrow night at RiverRead Books. I'll also be reading other selections from my short story collection, NUGE FOR PREZ and Other Fiction.

Apparently, Ted Nugent said some things that upset some people. I didn't hear these things, but I trust the sources, so I'll take your word for it. You have no need to worry, as I assure you I am not Ted Nugent. Nor have I ever been Ted Nugent, and I don't expect to ever be Ted Nugent, though if you come to my show, there will be a short period where I claim to be Ted Nugent. Don't be fooled. I'm not. If you remain unconvinced that myself and Ted Nugent are separate people, ask my guest announcer, Ian Daddybones of the Original Geeks Podcast. He'll be telling you who I am and keeping you entertained during costume changes. That's right, I said costume changes.

All I ask is for the opportunity to offend you myself. If you come to my show, I'm sure I'll say something you'll be upset by something I say. If not, I promise you'll find something to tick you off in the pages of NUGE FOR PREZ. The show starts at 7pm. If this doesn't work for you, we can try again January 31st at the Mad Monk's. I'll be joining comedians Aaron Gold and Derek Thoby. The week of February 22nd, I'll be the 'opening act' for the films playing at the ART Mission Theater. For information on these show and more, you can become a fan of VOTE NUGE at the link below. Thanks for Reading.

-Paul
VOTE NUGE

Laugh at Yourself First: Poems About Girls

Read "Poems About Girls" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Don't misjudge my loyalty as a fan, I would probably still kill someone if Slayer asked me to. This week, the band canceled all scheduled tours because Tom Araya rocks too hard for his own body. I estimate only four to six hours of my total teenage years that Slayer was not playing in the background. During those four to six hours I was listening to Sepultura. The band has my undying devotion, but the "Reign in Bloods," and "Seasons in the Abysses," were long ago, and I cannot think of one time I've seen Tom's hands move but to grip the microphone. With the original lineup reunited at last, maybe the addition of a bass player for the first time in more than two decades of aggression could restore them to glory. Among the canceled shows was my teenage dream lineup with Megadeth and Metallica sharing the stage. Teenage me would have gotten punched by security when he tried to kill to get into that show. The US shows only had Megadeth. What a jip.

I can think of no poem more delicate than a Slayer song, and to honor them, I present you with a several poems I wrote for Lament Configuration and Oracle Phoetus. Originally, each told the tale of a lost love. If you like them, I've got 100 more that sound the same. Over the years, while I forgot who I wrote each about, I gained new perspective and each took on new meanings. I don't think they were all about the same person, but it makes for a better plot.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you may have heard me read these poems last night at RiverRead Books. Next week I'll be there for my own show, reading from NUGE FOR PREZ and Other Fiction. You can find by short story collection, NUGE FOR PREZ and Other Fiction there, as well as the Book Shoppe in Montrose, PA., and the River's End Bookstore in Oswego, NY. Don't see your local bookstore on the list? Put me in touch with your local bookstore, and I'll take care of the rest. I have a new story at regularcrazy.blogspot.com I hope you'll look at. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Read "The Witch King's Sword, Episode 7," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

The Fantasy story is a literary leftover from the fairy tale days when people didn't really know that much. We made up stories for the inexplicable to make the world less frightening. Oddly enough, many of those stories hold through into the modern age when we know a lot more. I used to lose myself in those tales of orcs and crossbows, and probably couldn't count the evenings, afternoons, and weekends I spent rolling dice around a gaming table, pretending to be a half-elf ranger, or my favorite tabletop war game, where I played the center of a hive mind of space bugs bent on devouring the space empire of mankind. For a while, I even worked in a fantasy game store, but I have no regrets. because I used that job to expose many impressionable minds to the Misfits.

In "The Witch King's Sword," I crawled back into the hole of fantasy literature I believed was behind me forever. Valentine and Chloe Isis entered a world of wizards and trolls after leaving the world of Dollars Per Hour. This week, I present the 7th episode of what I previously believed to be a 12-part story. I discovered layers and stories for these characters that can only happen with time. In this installment, Erby the troll leads Chloe and Valentine through the abandoned tomb of the Illithred to escape the Glithval warriors that pursue them.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, we're buried in snow and the air is nearly frozen solid. I've been begging for a day with roads I can travel, and at least a few minutes into the country where everything doesn't smell like wet concrete. I hope you'll come see me perform VOTE NUGE January 22nd at RiverRead Books. If that' doesn't work for you, I'll be at the ART Mission February 22nd. I'll have copies of NUGE FOR PREZ at both. If you're not somewhere you can go to those places, you should put me in touch with your local bookstore, and I'll come to you. Next week I'm going to make you endure my poetry. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Read The Witch King's Sword and more original fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at pauljuser.blogspot.com

Happy teens, new century! Folks, there were a couple times I didn't think we'd get through this one, but it looks like most everyone is still here here to give high fives for survival. Keep in mind those who aren't but should be. I'm adopting a resolution to make every day a week day. This will be helpful, as my seasonal break from the Day Job is already made me lose track of days.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you enjoyed the taste of warm weather before we were plunged back into the ice box. I've kept busy getting ready for my show January 22nd at RiverRead Books. RiverRead carries "NUGE FOR PREZ" and Dollars Per Hour, so you could be the cool guy or gal that already has your copy when you come to the show. If you can't make that show, I'll have a few more dates to announce in the coming weeks. This past week, I recorded two tracks with Brianna from If Man is 5. They are the band you should be seeing if you're looking for something to do in Binghamton.

When I said I was taking a week off from Laugh at Yourself First, I technically lied. This week is all material previously published. However, "The Witch King's Sword" was among the first stories I posted on this blog, and I'm sure many of you missed the early installments. Rather than making you sift through and find them, I'm posting the first six episodes, and the all new Episode 7 on January 7th. Regular posting resumes January 15th. In the mean time, I've started a whole new fiction blog at regularcrazy.blogspot.com. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com