Laugh at Yourself First:: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I've barely been able to leave my house for the last week. The Day Job leaves me laying low this time of year, which is very nice, considering the weather outside my window and the miles they make me drive in the dark. Last week, when my working-man's welfare didn't hit my account by the end of the third day, I called to complain. Respect to Martin Luther King Jr. and all, but I was out of eggs and avocados, and was drinking coffee from the gas station. The seat-moistener informed me that it wasn't the holiday, but my purchases the day before were the reason for my negative balance. In three years, my unemployment card has left my wallet only for an ATM. Still, the rapidly-expanding ass in row 34g informed of two charges from a company in Bangladesh. If I disagreed, I can fax-not-email a letter stating I made no such charges.

I've been many places, but I've never been to Bangladesh, and certainly not last week. I’m not proud, but I don’t know much about Bangladesh. To me, it’s always been the place with the tigers. For all I knew, this person could be living somewhere that makes the hellholes I’ve lived in look like mansions. I pictured a rouge outlaw plucking my information from the data banks of this global financial network. Deep down, there is still a kid in a leather jacket listening to the Dead Kennedys and thinking Julian Assange and this thief are pretty cool. I was given ‘temporary credit’ while my case is being investigated, and get the impression this is a routine deal. I’m still waiting ten days until my new card arrives. In the mean time, the thief spent more on clothes than I've spent in three years or more. His didn't come off the clearance rack. According to Blogger stats, someone in Bangladesh was reading The Salvation Shark the same day. I’ll consider it all a success if they were not the same person. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I remain proud of jumping on the "Blame Palin" bandwagon only hours after the tragic event that claimed the life of 6 people in Arizona. Now that the evidence seems to point to no connection whatsoever, I hold my position on that wagon. Personally, I don't care if Sarah was on the phone with Jared Lee Loughner the night before begging him not to hurt anyone, I would like to convince as many people as I can that she is directly responsible. I'm a fiction writer, if you aren't checking my facts, you aren't doing your job.

Maybe Palin deserves more credit than she's received, having stumbled upon the Roman tradition of distributing names to the mobs. If you're here with me in Binghamton, you've heard Doug Drazen do this every time he runs for mayor. This allows rivals to be beaten, raped, or murdered, and the person responsible remains not responsible. This event has seen the pigs passionately decry their very favorite tactics. As a young headbanger, I watched my favorite bands and authors blamed for murders and suicides, but somehow Palin is innocent when she puts crosshairs on a person that is later shot?

I'm not advocating the censorship of violent allusions in political rhetoric, but it's time to take responsibility for these actions. A few months ago, I wrote a story defending Glenn Beck when a crazed fan decided to take the fight to the not-for-profits with a car-full of guns. Beck is an entertainer. Sometimes crazy people believe entertainers are leaders. Trekkies sometimes believe series stars are real space explorers. A true leader lays semi-conscious in a hospital bed, and Sarah is on the Internet whining that media is picking on her. Sarah Palin is a leader, even if her leadership would seem childish for a prom queen or middle school student council. For eight years we had to listen to these numb-skulls tell us to "shut up and listen to the President." Now that the shoe switches feet, the message changes quickly. Reload. Jared Lee Loughner may not have been motivated by any logical political motive, but that doesn't mean Sarah Palin is either. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Read "The Witch King's Sword" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

The Food Safety Modernization Act was one of those strange movements that united the Radical Right and the Radical Left in one vast orgy of misinformation. Supposedly this law would criminalize farmers' markets and give our government the right to imprison us for giving away the zucchini my ladyfriend grew in our backyard. Did we move to China without my knowledge? No, it's much worse, we still live in the country that can discuss Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign and not be joking even a little bit.

Coming in late, the whole affair looked like a set-up to me. Drafted in the wake of a rotten-chicken outbreak and poop-laced spinach, the bill was intended to enforce higher standards on food producers. Heavily supported by Monsanto, the Tea Party literature I received suggested the new law would prevent private citizens from growing the uncopyrighted seeds left by their grandmother and hand power over our food to the mega-corporations. In truth, the bill specifically exempted any farm making under $500,000 a year and the restaurants that bought directly from them. The Food Safety Modernization Act was signed into law this week, though valiant Republicans have already vowed not to fund it. "Mom, this apple tastes funny!"

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you haven't needed to use Chenango Street. Nearly three weeks after the building burned, one of the main streets in Downtown remains closed to traffic. A few years ago, a building around the corner from me burned and the street was closed for six months. I lived in the slums though, not this important through-way for lawyers, bankers, and artists. The absentee-landlord swears the building is still safe for human habitation. Rumor has it, the landlord may have visited Binghamton once, and we are assured he is advised by top notch people. Also, he sent Party Mayor a substantial gift card to Dave & Busters. If you came to see me Friday night at KNOW Theater, I apologize. The handwritten sign on the door was my first notice the show was canceled too. The Salvation Shark resumes 1/17. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com