Ask For Rob

I'd already collected this for PIB and brought it home before I realized the critical fail of this message.

Laugh at Yourself First: Regular Crazy

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "Regular Crazy" and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser
pauljuser.blogspot.com


I have not been diligent with Print is Better these last couple weeks. In part, this is because I’ve been addicted to a video game. I won’t tell you the name and risk dating myself almost five years behind the times, but I will say there has not been a single zombie so far. I’m almost finished, so I’ll be back to posting frequently again soon. Being tethered to the television set has not been my only restraint. I have also been working hard. I’ve finally gotten rolling on a story I’ve been trying to write for a year, where Dr. Filth takes on a new profession as a cryptozoologist. I’ve also delivered two new stories to 607 Magazine for “Eating Out Upstate.” On top of that, I’ve been editing “Nuge for Prez,” and the first printed issue of Print is Better. Next week, I’ve been asked to come back on the Original Geeks Podcast again, to discuss all things nerdy. I will have plenty for you this summer, I hope you will enjoy.

With that, I’d like to extend the “Take Me To Your Leader” contest in support of “Nuge.” Like the rest of my books, this collection of short stories will be available in print and free download through Lulu.com. What fun is buying a book if the author is not there to shake your hand for it? I want to come to your town and do just that, but I need your help. If you put me in touch with your local bookstore or arts promoter, I’ll take care of the hard parts, such as arranging dates, and providing promotional material like posters and flyers. That’s where the contest part comes in. If you go through the trouble of setting me up with a performance, it would be downright rude of me not to give you a copy of “Nuge for Prez.” That’s why I’m sweetening the deal with copies of “Dollars Per Hour” and “Here in This Sorrow.” I’ll even give you shout-outs during the reading if that will convince you to help me. This contest is only open to New York and Pennsylvania right now, but I’d love for the opportunity to extend. For more information, you can contact me at paul.juser@gmail.com

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you must be sick to death of the rain. I’ve only received a few fireworks displays from the B-Mets in my backyard, but I’m looking forward to the summer spectacular on the way. I’ve noticed new missives from the Preacher around town, and when I have a few minutes to edit, I have some new pictures. This week’s ongoing story, “Regular Crazy” started when I was following the Preacher light pole to light pole, documenting his private war to clean up the streets. Ultimately, his story did not fit in “Regular Crazy,” but I could not abandon him entirely. The Preacher is a much better fit in the pages of Print is Better, with other writings I collect. As well as the Preacher, next week I will be adding more “Dear Sirs” letters, and some other oddities I’ve happened upon. Next week’s Laugh at Yourself First is going to be a surprise. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Nutritional Values

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “Nutritional Values,” and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
Pauljuser.blogspot.com

Happy Memorial Weekend, folks. I’ve been looking in closets and under the couch to find where I lost Spring. For me, a day in the office entails standing in a field telling insipid jokes to Little Leaguers. I earned in some very interesting sunburns, but at least I wasn’t looking at the same wall every day. This week I give you a comedy sketch titled “Nutritional Values.” I hope it makes you think about what you’re eating. For the record, I’ll never stop eating fast food. Next week will be another installment of “Regular Crazy.”

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, we finally have leaves on the trees and cloud breaks that last more than a few hours. I’ve been able to ride the Riverwalk every day this week. Over the winter and early Spring, city the 2-mile public walkway along the Chenango River was made unapproachable by careless city dog owners. During my own trips on the coldest days of the winter, I’d see only groups of guys staring into the trunks of cars, who’d glare menacingly as I pass. Pitbulls normally accompany them variety. I know I should have hung around to make sure they clean up after themselves, but alas, I had places to be. Following a massive pooper scooper campaign, the trail has been restored to former pride. You only need watch your step for broken glass! Who says government is worthless?

I’ve assembled all the stores for Nuge for Prez, and am hard at work on the editing process. In the mean time, I’m scheduling signings and performances in New York and Pennsylvania after the book is released June 30th. If you bring me to your bookstore or show, your copy of Nuge is on me. Yes, I would love to open for your band. E-mail me at TbStarlight@gmail.com with good news. Get your friends excited, let them know they can read Dollars Per Hour and Here in This Sorrow for free. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

The Preacher of Doom City

"Dear Sirs," by Dr. John Sulich Jr.

Laugh at Yourself First: "No One Is Innocent, and There Are No Happy Endings"

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "No One Is Innocent, and There Are No Happy Endings," and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

For Laugh at Yourself this week, I went digging. “No One is Innocent...” was the final chapter of my first novel, “Beyond Desolation Row.” I spent the better part of 5 years revising, rewriting and resubmitting to every publishing house in New York. Eventually, I realized why the book was being rejected. Same reason most are rejected. "Desolation" stunk. I'm talking physically, a pungent stench would emanate from my computer every time I opened the file. When I first completed "Dollars Per Hour," I included this book as an extra on the e-book CD's I was giving away. This book was most likely read only by a captive audience on my couch, and I my biggest regret was few reached this final chapter which I always felt was the true gold of the story. Writers writing about writing is boring.

What have I learned about writing? Cut what doesn’t work. Here is “No One is Innocent, and there are No Happy Endings,” minus 200 long-winded pages that said next to nothing. Most likely only my closet friends will remember one or more of the ten different versions of the novel I read to captive audiences on my couch. This story is what I'd been trying to say all along. I hope you enjoy.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you’re probably sick to death of stepping around broken glass on the sidewalks. We’ve have some distinguished gentlemen letting us know they want to be our mayor. Are any of them willing spend a Saturday morning sweeping the sidewalk?

Monday at 5:30, I’ll be attending “The Hungry Ear” at the Binghamton Public Library. Started by Theatricks by Starlight’s Judy McMahon, the program features local actors reading classic literature. This week, Carolyn Christy-Boyden will be reads from the works of Anton Chekov. This will be a trip down memory lane, many more years than either of us would care to admit, when she read me stories as my kindergarten teacher. That's correct, even in kindergarten I was aware of Chekov's Gun. Next week I have a short comedy called "Nutritional Values." Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Animals Made By God...

"Dear Sirs," by Dr. John Sulich Jr.

Tractors in the Fog

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “The Witch King’s Sword,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry by Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I was at Book Expo America to sign Dollars Per Hour when I achieved ultimate fanboy. I was in line to get Bill Maher's new book, when he announced he was done signing and stormed off. Around the corner, I found a cardboard castle erected for Wizards of the Coast, makers of Magic: The Gathering. A long line of people extended out of the drawbridge and wrapped around the castle to meet "Dark Elf" author, R.A. Salvatore.

I first became acquainted with Drizzt Do’Urden the summer between my 9th and 10th grade. I’d discovered Dungeons & Dragonlance the summer before, and graduated from the baby games to Forgotten Realms. Drizzt was the ultimate black sheep, a renegade from a race of underground, black-skinned elves that spent their long lives doing as much evil as possible. I devoured seven or eight of the novels that fall, but grew disenchanted after the stories evolved to long fight sequences. Salvatore was at Book Expo promoting the re-release of “The Crystal Shard,” the book that made me dream of being a fantasy novelist.

In those days, I imagined fantasy novelists wearing capes and walking around with swords. Years later, I found out this was true, but no longer thought it so cool. When “The Witch King’s Sword” happened quite spontaneously, I was shocked. I thought all my sword & sorcery novels had been written out of my system in high school... let’s be fair and say college. I revived many of the characters in this story to once again chop, battle, and magick their way through my world of monsters and mayhem. This week’s story is the second part of 12. I hope you enjoy this return to my roots.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, I’m excited to announce the return of Amera’s Cup-O-Soup. I’d fallen out of touch, and found the restaurant closed every time I went by. I received an e-mail yesterday that Binghamton’s “Soup Artist” is back in business. It’s pretty cold here in the Parlor City, so I hope Achmed has a pot of the Egyptian Tomato cooking for me.

I’m not sure what I’ll have for you next week. I had to rearrange my schedule due to a couple Dr. Filth stories that won’t co-operate. I’m working my hardest to make sure it’s not poems. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

World's Largest Garden Gnome

Are You My Mother?

"Dear Sirs," by Dr. John Sulich Jr.

Maybe print isn't better.

The Teepee

When you purchase a 200ft fiberglass teepee, you're married to it. When I asked the woman at the counter if they were authentic Indian arrowheads, she told me they were authentic in that a person carved them. The backs were stamped "Made in Mexico." Pete, of the attached "Pete's Chow Wagon" is opposed to the construction of a New York State visitor center to be constructed across the street. He encourages everyone to stop in and sign his petition to keep people from visiting his business.

Laugh at Yourself First: "Regular Crazy"

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “Regular Crazy,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry by Paul Juser.
http://pauljuser.blogspot.com

The day-job has kept me running 6 to 7 day stretches or more the last few weeks, so I’ve had very little spare time for writing. My day-job is traveling clown for elementary school kids, so don't think I've got it that bad. I still don’t stay awake long after a 12 hour day. I've added more to Print is Better, and I’ve completed another installment of “Regular Crazy” at Laugh at Yourself First. Next week I’m presenting Episode 2 of “The Witch King’s Sword.”

I’m sure we’ve all run into a time when we set out to accomplish something entirely different and ended up writing a sword & sorcery novel instead. That’s what happened with Witch King. I played a lot of D&D as a youth, idolized Drizzt Do'Urden, and believe to this day Iron Maiden is a real band, so I embraced the opportunity. Rubin and Chloe of “Dollars Per Hour” embark on a new quest to recover an enchanted coat that protects against the magic ice freezing the Tree of Life.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, I hope you are going to see “Faust” this weekend at Tri-Cities Opera. I won’t be able to see it until Sunday, so I hope the cast is still on their toes by then. “Faust” is the first opera I ever saw outside of school. Yes, I was that goth kid in the balcony singing the Misfits because I couldn’t understand the Italian. My ladyfriend has sworn me not to repeat. I’m sure the show will be great nonetheless.

I had some problems with my Lulu storefront last week, but it’s fixed now. I hope it didn’t ruin your week. If there’s any way I can make it up to you, let me know. I’ve got most of the stories picked out for the “Nuge for Prez” collection this summer. The book will be around 200 pages, and will include several stories not published before. I don't want to give you a book you've read cover-to-cover already. The first issue of “Print is Better” will come out at the same time through Lulu. Both will be in color and black & white. You won’t have to buy them to see them either. All my books are available in free download, so you know you enjoy before you spend a penny. Until next week, thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

The Ghost of A. Johnson

Each person received their own piece of the prophecy.