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Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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The rental car was paid in advance for a weekend in Columbus visiting hipster craft shops, photographing murals and graffiti and checking out galleries. In line in front of us at Budget were a couple that were not allowed to rent the car they'd already paid for. The slurring attendant was smug about his refusal. The previous weekend, when my friend arrived to collect the moving truck he'd rented from Budget, they didn't have it for him. When it came our turn to get our keys, Budget wouldn't give us our car either. The moral of the story is, if you rent from Budget Auto, you probably won't get your car. Instead we were told to call a number from the website to be refunded. The attendants didn't have this number, and I didn't have time to look it up for them. Instead, my ladyfriend and I drove a white pickup truck that was bigger than any vehicle I'd ever driven but a Uhaul (Uhaul was happy to give me the truck I'd rented).

Around a wedding reception Saturday night, we saw as much of High Street as we could, so keep an eye out for printisbetter bookmarks. On Sunday, we made a second attempt to eat at North Star Cafe, having come the night before a few minutes after closing. When we stepped inside, we thought we'd gone through the wrong door to a takeout line, and stepped back out to go for table service. We were stopped by a man that claimed to be an employee on his night off, and didn't want to see us leave due to a line. He offered to take care of our entire food bill. I assumed this was the same joke that was frequently played at the restaurant I worked at, but at least we now knew we'd gone through the correct door in the first place.

Inside, the man in the blue shirt was in the kitchen talking with the cooks and line workers, so I mentioned his offer when it was our turn to order line. Turns out we'd spoken with the owner, not an employee. Everything but our alcohol was free, I ordered an Anchor Porter. Our server tried to persuade me instead to enjoy an homemade ginger ale, which would also be free. I hate ginger ale, and I love Anchor Porter, but I accepted both at his urging. The ginger ale was homemade, after all. It was very good ginger ale, but the beer was better, and the food was delicious. I didn't have any cash to tip, and the receipt had no place to tip by card. Gratuity was included, so we bought a flat bread pizza to eat at the hotel later. If you go through Columbus, make sure to try Northstar Cafe. If you're here with me in Binghamton, you can get printisbetter bookmarks at the ART Mission Theater, RiverRead Books, or by emailing me at printisbetter.com. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Read “Doom City,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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Am I the only rational person hoping Michelle Bachman is nominated for President? For starters, she’s the only candidate I’m confident President Suckerpunch can beat. Can you imagine the crazy Bachman and her closeted nancy-pants husband would unleash trying to 'pray away the gay' for the whole country? John Cleese and Michael Palin couldn’t write better comedy. A popular social media site I belong to asked me to sign a card for the President’s 50th. I told him I still can’t understand how legalizing whaling would help end whaling, and that I was happy the Gulf oil spill happened to prevent him from opening oil drilling on the East Coast. Even though I promised to vote Nader in 2012, the President's staff still asked me to volunteer. Anyone out there looking for Nuge to dip his toes in the political waters again? I still have the hat, and I can grow the moustache again.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, Talia Moore put together a wonderful art & theater expo last weekend. I was there to table for the ART Mission and watch my ladyfriend in a panel discussion on the local art scene. The event featured open auditions and headshots, and I was able to catch up with many luminaries from my theatre past. Muchof event seemed made up as it went along, but considering this is exactly how I learned to produce plays, I applaud the method. Many of the attendees were children, and I couldn’t tell if the event was aimed toward them or toward the adults, but there was invaluable information for all. I hope to see this become a yearly event, and I will be happy to lend any support I can. Water Under Attack, my new collection of short stories, is available now at printisbetter.com. Ten stories for ten bucks, you can’t beat that with a stick. Trust me, I’ve tried. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Laugh at Yourself First: Here in This Sorrow

Read "Here in This Sorrow," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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I hope no one accuses me of not writing due to laziness. Last weekend, my character wrapped in The Demon Messenger, and 95% of the movie has been filmed. Iamhorror.com is still planning a Halloween release, so look for us on iTunes and Netflix, and I'll keep you posted on the big screens that will have my weirdbeard. I was in this movie because I wanted to be in a monster movie, but as the story took shape, it became such a part of me that I practically forgot about the monster until the weekend it was on set. Between movie and Day Job, only the power of cupcakes was keeping me awake at that point. I was only meat in this movie, but getting to watch another writer's process was great for me. Thanks to Doug Bush and Ted Nappi for letting me be a part of this.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you'll probably recognize many veterans of the local stages, including my great friends Brian Nayor and Dave Merrill. As you've noted, I'm a notorious misspeller and worse editor, and when Dave was in several of my plays I gave him a new name in almost every program. I hope he's forgiven me, because he was always one of the most fun people to have on set, and it was great to work with him again. I was also able to face off against my childhood hero, Marquis de Blood of the horror-rock band, Others, and Horror-Punks.com who has been kicking me in the chest or hit me with his guitar since his punk band, Abalienation, back when I was a little kid. printisbetter.com is active now, and Water Under Attack, and Salvation Shark Vol 2 are both nearly complete and should be online in a few weeks. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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I've been lax on writing printisbetter the last month or so, but only because all of my free time has been going into the website. The official launch is July 10th, but you can go sneak a peek right now. If you're here with me in Binghamton, that is only a day after my show, "How to Win at Bowling," by the ART Mission Playwright Group. You can find more information about that show, and a picture of a giant gnome, if you visit www.printisbetter.com. If you come to First Friday, look for me passing out the first flyers and posters to carry the name, www.printisbetter.com. If you can't make it, drop me a line and I'll send them to you or your local bookstore along with any other promo schwag I've got laying around my desk.

My new short story collection, Water Under Attack is in the final stages of review. It arrives on the heels of a moratorium in New York State that expires July 1st. Governor Cuomo got into office cuddling with clean water people, but as that clock form the Iron Maiden song continues counting, Cuomo won't take sides. Albany corruption is the family business for this man, and he wants to squeeze whatever dollars he can from whichever side will pay more. The Obamas, Bushes, Cuomos and bin Ladens are all cut from the same mold, career politicians with no regard to the lives lost to their blunders. Come get a look at New York while you can, our motto won't be "I Love New York" much longer. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Read "Here in This Sorrow," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.

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I wrote a great printisbetter a few weeks ago about my adventure for a new phone, but I haven't had time to sit down and edit. First and foremost, I'm proud to announce that Ricki Scordino of EverTech High School was awarded the first Matthew Juser Memorial Scholarship. I made a vow not to read any entries until after the scholarship was awarded, so I am now looking forward to reading her short story, Sadie. One of the judges, the man who taught me everything I know about writing, said of Ricki's Story, "[the] author knows how to tell a convincing story. She's credibly developed her character, has a firm grasp of suspenseful control, exclusively dramatizes only what's important, and brings her reader, as participating observer, into a richly created realm... Welcome to Sadie's author on joining the esteemed ranks of exciting writers." Congratulations Ricki, my family thanks you for your participation.

If you are here with me in Binghamton, you will shortly be able to attend a reading of Ricki's short story as well. Details will follow, and you will be able to read about them on the newly launched printisbetter.com, which has links to both the printisbetter and Laugh at Yourself First, and for anyone interested in purchasing one of my printed books, links to their checkouts as well. The site will be updated frequently, so check back often. There will at least be a new Laugh at Yourself First every week, with chapters of the Salvation Shark continuing through the end of the year. Last week we started shooting D A Bush's The Demon Messenger. I found out last night, I won't need to shave my chest for my as-close-to-nude-as-you-are-likely-to-see-me scene, which in low light will make me virtually indistinguishable from the monster. Don't forget to visit printisbetter.com today. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
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Laugh at Yourself First: Here in This Sorrow, Chapter 4

Read Here in This Sorrow, and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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The world didn't end. Anytime I'm convinced an event will not occur, there is a sure-fire chance it will, so I was significantly worried. Ten years ago, I counted coins for a vending company and worked with a member of the cult, who lamented he'd never see the Alaska quarter. That's when I knew the jig was up on this Apocalypse. You have to admire the ingenuity, renting bill-boards and RV's to spread the message. I was surprised you even heard of it. Unfortunately, Campy didn't learn the mistakes of "Bob," and reading the date upside down on the Napkin. The actual end of the world took place November 5th, 520AD, but possibly BC.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you've known for some time that time is already over. Our windows are boarded, our sidewalks are broken, and our floors are collapsing underneath us. Don't worry, rest of the world, you learn to live with it. You have to make the best of your situation. I received my script last night for The Demon Messenger, by D A Bush. We are shooting next month, with expectations to have the movie ready by Halloween. The movie also features Marquis of the horror band Others and HORROR-PUNKS.com. H-P published "Tales of Madness & the Macabre," featuring my short story, "K'Tloo." You may think I've gone book-crazy, and maybe you're right. I'm putting the finishing touches on bringing Laugh at Yourself First to paper, which will be followed by the second half of The Salvation Shark. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark, Chapter 43

Read "The Salvation Shark" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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It's a sad day, ladies and gentlemen, but one I always knew would arrive. After 2 years of updates, this may be the last email sent from the Laugh at Yourself First FaceBook group. Granted, it's probably the result of people like me, who clutter you inbox each week (or two) with inane diatribes about my whacko political views or stories from the strange place I live. The old groups are going the way of the dinosaur, and if I choose to continue, I will need to start with new members that I can't email when you rejoin.

That is all the better for you, because if you read this from your email, you miss all the images and easter eggs I include on the blog for your additional edutainment. Apparently one time the Wikipedia page for Party Mayor Matt Ryan of Binghamton stated his private dream was to get drunk and punch a Brontosaurus in the face. Everyone knows there is no such thing as Brontosaurus!

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you can find my books and posters at RiverRead Books, and other stores and cafes around town. If you can't travel here by car, I'd be happy to send some to you. Don't want to give your address to some crazy kid in Upstate, NY? Send me the address of your local bookstore and I will mail to them instead. My copy of the Salvation Shark arrived this week, and I couldn't be happier, and I am looking for stores to carry it. As always, Laugh at Yourself First is updated weekly. Becki and Lazarus arrive in New York City this week in The Salvation Shark. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com


By the way, I thought I was making up the word 'edu-tainment' when I wrote it. Let the record show I am not responsible.

Laugh at Yourself First: Sweet Chastity in Wonderland

Read "Sweet Chastity in Wonderland," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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What I'm about to say goes against every fiber of my being: we need more censorship. Through all my years growing up, the FCC and the PMRC battled to keep down everything cool. All my Slayer albums were infected with ugly PARENTAL ADVISORY stickers. Luckily, I looked 20 from the time I was 15, so I never needed anyone to buy those records for me. When I was 16, I bought my first GWAR CD. I've only gone to see GWAR six times, but always made sure to be as blood-soaked as possible by the end. I greatly regret I didn't become a fan of GG Allin until two years after his death. I'll leave you to look up for yourself what happened at his shows, but I cannot be called a prude.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you might have been at the gym with me a few weeks ago when an episode of 'Teen Mom' was on the TV by the bike. I had either Bad Religion or William S Burroughs reading Junky on my headphones, so I didn't hear, but I noticed none of the stars wore red letters pinned to their clothing. At the checkout counter in the grocery store the next day, I recognized every girl on the cover of a magazine. When I started the Salvation Shark, Brittany Spears was popular. You may not remember her, I haven't heard a word about her in a year or more, but I get most of my news from forteantimes.com. Brit is the girl in the pictures of Becki, I gave my character a better background than some Alabama trailer park.

In those days, Spears was considered an amoral corrupter, but now her antics are no more offensive than when Axl Rose swears. Shame on you, television, your integrity is gone. Anyone can find their place at the top by displaying themselves at their worst. I believe entertainment should be free to anyone capable of understanding the difference between fantasy and reality, regardless of their age. If no one gets hurt, do as Thou wilt. This type of censorship can only come from inside each individual person saying, "We are better than this crap." The Salvation Shark is out now in hardcover. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read, "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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Last month, I offered readers a free Salvation Shark poster for reading Chapter 40. I didn't exactly follow up to make sure, and there was no written exam to prove anyone read or absorbed the text I posted. I'm sure some people just said, "Oh! Free poster," and abused my generosity. Others were wary, and who can blame them? Today I say I'm giving out free posters, tomorrow I'm on your doorstep with an axe. I wouldn't send me my address either. To the best of my knowledge however, everyone that sent me their address is still alive, and if they are not, I had nothing to do with it.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, it's easy enough to find one of these posters without divulging any sensitive material to me. Not only does RiverRead Books carry my books, but I leave bookmarks and flyers there as well. You can also pull one off a wall or bulletin board, I usually leave extra. If you are elsewhere in the US, I have a solution for you as well. Send me the address of your bookstore, and I will send a poster with your name on it. You don't care if I show up on their doorstep, they always give you a hard time when you ask for more half & half with your coffee. The first Salvation Shark hardcover should be ready by the end of the month. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Read "The Witch King's Sword," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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If you're here with me in Binghamton, you know it's illegal to talk on your cell phone while operating a motor vehicle in New York State. This goes for car, truck, bus, tractor, or tractor trailer. I fell afoul of the rule last week when a Broome County Sheriff observed me with a phone to my ear. The case is still in the courts, so I make no comment on my guilt or innocence.

I won't say the law is without merit. A few nights ago, I followed a tear-drop-blue Prius that ran from 35 to 50 through a series of 55mph-no-passing zones. When I was finally able to get around, the girl at the wheel was gabbing with no abandon. It should be illegal for her to talk while driving. I am making the claim I am different, but I am not alone. Some weeks I spend more than a day's worth of time at the wheel. I can do a great many things without distraction, from running lines for a play to eating a three-course breakfast.

I propose a point system, with motorists calling a number to report irresponsible drivers. Using new license plate scanning technology employed by New York State police, this should be easy. Drivers with three or more complaints can be identified from a distance, and stopped if they are talking on the phone, shaving, reading the paper, or have their heads below the console finding a CD. The rest of us can go about our business. I do agree that texting should remain illegal, for anyone who doesn't know to keep it below the door panels. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: K'Tloo

See a preview of "K'Tloo" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
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As some of you may have noticed, last week was Print is Better 100. For two years now, I've been stuffing your mailbox with these trite rants about world politics and weather in Upstate, NY. The response has been overwhelming: REMOVE ME FROM ALL MAILING LISTS! I would like to thank everyone who made this possible, and all the people who have enjoyed what I've done on Regular Crazy, the Original Geeks Podcast, and Laugh at Yourself First. Chapter 39 of the Salvation Shark posted this week, as well as a sneak preview of a short story called "K'Tloo" that will appear this summer in "Tales of Madness & Macabre Vol II." The new episode of The Witch King's Sword posts April 15th at Laugh at Yourself First.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, we have accolades to celebrate! Fifth most depressing city in the whole country, according to Business Insider magazine. Many in the news media were shocked to discover that only Buffalo, two cities in Ohio, and Flint-Roger-And-Me-Michigan make their residents want to die more. Don't get me wrong, we have almost constant cloud-cover, but enough light always comes through in the afternoon that everyone can see the abandoned buildings and boarded windows in the heart of downtown. Even in the dimmest street lamp you can still step around the garbage on the sidewalks and streets, and avoid nearly every puddle of frat-boy urine on your way to city hall. If there is anyone not embarrassed by the awful condition of this city, they should be locked in the mental asylum that lords over our skyline. I've been through all the other cities on that list, and it's nothing to be proud of for us to be better. Let this be a wakeup call, Binghamton. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Print is Better 100

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in Binghamton, 100 years ago, some of our most famous residents were the kin of Dr. Kilmer. The family business was hawking "Swamp Root," one of the most notorious snake-oils in history. It was a stinking broth of mostly alcohol and a few other undisclosed ingredients that did almost nothing but rot the liver. While the patent medicine is still available today, production was all but shut down by the Pure Food and Drug Act. Willis Sharpe Kilmer stole the family fortune from under his uncle, the original "Doctor," and used it to branch into the newspaper business and horse breeding. Willis and his father built the triangular building on Chenengo Street as well as what was for many years the tallest building in the city. Kilmer was a name known around the world for duplicity and corruption. 'Round these parts, we revere the man as a scion.

There is a new restaurant in the triangular building. It's called 'Remlik's.' Get it? That's the name for the family horse farm in Virginia that is synonymous with animal abuse. They breed only winners. I probably never would have gone to Remlik's myself. I've eaten at nearly all the "fine dining" lunch counters in town, and nearly all of my food has been "microwaved." I don't expect any different from Remlik's. Chances are, it will be closed in 6 months anyway. However, the last few weeks before the restaurant opened, the owner has been threatening to tow any car he finds parked for the ART Mission Theater across his parking lot. April 19th I will be performing in a comedy show at the ART Mission that I helped write. If you'd like to attend, but want to have dinner first, make sure to ask Remlik's if you can remain in the lot. You might have to move your car. If you are coming from out of town and you want my opinion, the Lost Dog Cafe is only two blocks from the theater. Maybe after that, you can see Binghamton's cowboy. We're classy! Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Listeners to the Original Geeks Podcast already heard my big news this week. While I have yet to set a date starting in April, I am releasing The Salvation Shark in two hardcover volumes. followed by a full paperback edition. Chapters will continue posting at Laugh at Yourself First through December, so you can still read the entire book for free. I have a few contests and give-aways planned, starting right now with my Facebook friends. Everyone that "attends" the posting of Chapter 40 will receive a Salvation Shark poster.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you might have been there with me in 1994 when I slam danced for the first time at the Tazmanian Embassy. If you weren't, I was 16-years-old, the Taz was a coke bar on the South Side, and the band was Abalienation. If none of this rings a bell, come to Fitzie's Irish Pub this Friday evening to see "A Trillion Lives." The other kids in the pit that night have reunited to pay tribute, doing an hour of such Abail classics "Punk 'Till I Die," "Are You A Nazi?!?!" and "Tax Bullets Not Beer." This is before Greenday ruined everything, and music was still fast, loud, and under-produced. There will most certainly be a pogo party with all my friends. If you want to see this old punk throw his back when I have to be at the Day Job at 4am, come to Fitzies for A Trillion Lives. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

This week, Laugh at Yourself First is about my brother, Matthew, who I lost one year ago after a 2 year battle with brain cancer. Anything I say will not be enough. Thank you to everyone that helped in the creation of the Matthew Juser Memorial Scholarship, but special thanks to the ART Mission Theater, and the East Maine Fire Company for hosting us. The EMFC named Matthew their Fireman of the Year for his bravery. Matthew was 28. I miss him. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

One day, history will tell how Napster destroyed the world. In those days, short of a magazine or book contract, the only way I could find new readers were hastily assembled chapbooks with photocopied covers. Pages were printed on my inkjet and stapled with a stapler that couldn't reach the middle of the page. Instead, I stapled each copy on cardboard boxes and closed the tines with my finger. If you're here with me in Binghamton, you might have one of those books, handed out at a punk rock show or poetry reading that probably took place in your living room. There may be misspellings, but there's a drop of my blood in nearly every single copy. These were the days you tied up your phone line for hours downloading a single song ,and streaming video was a laughable fantasy.

Technology changes, and computers became smarter. With cable Internet, whole albums could be downloaded in a few hours time, and made movies possible, first in segments, then in seamless files. CD's and DVD's became irrelevant faster than producers could stop spending money on them, leaving only Madonna proud that she remains a top-selling artist. The record companies didn't know what they were up against. Nitwits like Lars Ulrich paraded in front of cameras bullying fans to buy a new disc that was scratched in a week by those sleeves under the visor of your car. Entertainment companies met a real competition in people producing their own art. When quantity no longer matters, quality wins every time. The change has spun so fast that tyrants with weapons, armies, and money are being easily routed by a million kids with Facebook who shed only their own blood. The notion of Nation is gone, and the Bad Guys are just starting to realize they lost everything years ago with a single downloaded song. Salvation Shark chapters start March 4th. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First, The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

The groundhog lied.

I don't normally take predections from varmints, and cephalopods or pseudopods are decided on a case-by-case basis. Watching all but the last hint of snow disappear from my yard in one day was enough to get my hopes up for an early Spring. We had doors open, cats on the front porch and a jump start on Spring cleaning. The next morning was a white-out. Two days later, the snow was gone, and back in double the morning after that. As some readers may remember, Punxsutawney Phil is a close friend. We've shared corn chips. If you leave him alone with a chocolate cake, he's going to destroy your kitchen. More than that, I am a friend to the woodchuck race. Granted, the french fries my grandfather and I used to feed them in the back yard probably resulted in countless woodchuck heart attacks, but they didn't know the difference.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you probably shoot Phil's kin off your back porch, and you certainly don't take pains to avoid them on the roads. Last year, I rescued an infant 'chuck from the side of the road, regardless of how many times he bit me. We named him Melon, but he escaped two days later when I didn't expect he could climb over a six inch brick wall without my noticing. He could. I already felt bad about keeping him in a cage, but he was well-protected from the hawks that circle overhead. We never saw any trace of Melon again. Apparently Phil lied about the Superbowl as well. There are new chapters of the "Salvation Shark" and "The Witch King's Sword" posting this week. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Read "Here in this Sorrow," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If anyone asks about my lip, tell them I was in a fight. It's better than the true story. I know what most people assume when they see the bleeding, open wound. It had to be the week the Day Job sent me to perform for preschoolers, who have no qualms about asking what happened. If I tried to perpetuate a rumor, I would have found myself delivering pizzas again. I had to tell the truth. Should you decide to visit Mark Twain Country for any reason, be sure to eat at one of the many Pudgie's Pizza in Elmira. If you're here with me in Binghamton, don't. Burning my lip on molten pizza sauce isn't very badass. Fight the truth. Tell everyone I was in a fight.

Junk food is dangerous. Science recently confirmed beyond the shadow of a doubt that feeding McDonald's to your three-year-old is guaranteed to make him a dummy. If you need an example, look no further than me. I eat junkfood all the time, and I'm barely a half-wit. Life on the road forces a person to eat a lot of egg-and-cheese sandwiches and hashbrowns. I could argue for hours over which gas station has the best microwaved bagels. I drink a lot of coffee to keep my metabolism high enough to process the garbage I devour. I don't know how the young mother I saw last week will compensate for the bottle of brand-or-off-brand-named-brightly-colored-sugar-water-flavored-drink-mix she gave her toddler. 'Round these parts, it ain't uncommon for the young'ns to have already graduated to Mountain Dew. Come back next week for new chapters of the Salvation Shark. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Mark Twain Country is not far from me, and at some points through the year, the Day Job has me there more than my own home. In honor of Twain's 100th birthday, his surviving heirs, Tom and Huck, are being given a face-lift to show their maturity. In a move that stinks of Liberal feel-good dumbassery, the new editions will be expunged of that word that is only acceptable in rap songs and Tea Party descriptions of the President. Maybe if the offensive word is removed, the offensive history will disappear with it. I've learned the hard way that you can't use it even in the context of, "I'm so offended that person used this word." Instead, you are supposed to give hints to what word you are referring to. I'm not that swift, I get side-tracked, "What word? Nincompoops? Knuckleheads?"

A great teacher once told me, "The only offensive word is 'hate.'" It can't have any more power than you give it. While some argue Abraham Lincoln made history as an unrecognized racist, I think Mark Twain's motives were unquestionable. He was not using that word to oppress anyone, he was using that word to describe the way people talked in a segment of society he found reprehensible. If not other things, the United States is a more accepting place than it was in the time Twain was writing, but the Good Guys still have a lot of work to do. Mark Twain's books are one of the very reasons we have come so far. If he is still offending people, he done his job good.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you're wondering why the rest of the country is so upset about this weather. The first time I ever drove in the snow, my car came within inches of T-boning another car at the stoplight on a long straight highway that went downhill for miles. I now live at the top of that hill. A few weeks later, a different storm spun me into a ditch. It wasn't until the next winter that I hit two or three consecutive patches of ice and smashed my tail light on a guardrail. You get used to it. Gas into the snowbanks. I've barely had reason to leave the house the last week, so I've dug in and fortified. I've been obsessively scrubbing bathtubs, changing toilets, and making bookmarks for The Salvation Shark. Look for them around town. If you are not in Binghamton, I'll be happy to send you a few to leave in your own town. Drop me a line at TbStarlight@gmail.com. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First:: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I've barely been able to leave my house for the last week. The Day Job leaves me laying low this time of year, which is very nice, considering the weather outside my window and the miles they make me drive in the dark. Last week, when my working-man's welfare didn't hit my account by the end of the third day, I called to complain. Respect to Martin Luther King Jr. and all, but I was out of eggs and avocados, and was drinking coffee from the gas station. The seat-moistener informed me that it wasn't the holiday, but my purchases the day before were the reason for my negative balance. In three years, my unemployment card has left my wallet only for an ATM. Still, the rapidly-expanding ass in row 34g informed of two charges from a company in Bangladesh. If I disagreed, I can fax-not-email a letter stating I made no such charges.

I've been many places, but I've never been to Bangladesh, and certainly not last week. I’m not proud, but I don’t know much about Bangladesh. To me, it’s always been the place with the tigers. For all I knew, this person could be living somewhere that makes the hellholes I’ve lived in look like mansions. I pictured a rouge outlaw plucking my information from the data banks of this global financial network. Deep down, there is still a kid in a leather jacket listening to the Dead Kennedys and thinking Julian Assange and this thief are pretty cool. I was given ‘temporary credit’ while my case is being investigated, and get the impression this is a routine deal. I’m still waiting ten days until my new card arrives. In the mean time, the thief spent more on clothes than I've spent in three years or more. His didn't come off the clearance rack. According to Blogger stats, someone in Bangladesh was reading The Salvation Shark the same day. I’ll consider it all a success if they were not the same person. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I remain proud of jumping on the "Blame Palin" bandwagon only hours after the tragic event that claimed the life of 6 people in Arizona. Now that the evidence seems to point to no connection whatsoever, I hold my position on that wagon. Personally, I don't care if Sarah was on the phone with Jared Lee Loughner the night before begging him not to hurt anyone, I would like to convince as many people as I can that she is directly responsible. I'm a fiction writer, if you aren't checking my facts, you aren't doing your job.

Maybe Palin deserves more credit than she's received, having stumbled upon the Roman tradition of distributing names to the mobs. If you're here with me in Binghamton, you've heard Doug Drazen do this every time he runs for mayor. This allows rivals to be beaten, raped, or murdered, and the person responsible remains not responsible. This event has seen the pigs passionately decry their very favorite tactics. As a young headbanger, I watched my favorite bands and authors blamed for murders and suicides, but somehow Palin is innocent when she puts crosshairs on a person that is later shot?

I'm not advocating the censorship of violent allusions in political rhetoric, but it's time to take responsibility for these actions. A few months ago, I wrote a story defending Glenn Beck when a crazed fan decided to take the fight to the not-for-profits with a car-full of guns. Beck is an entertainer. Sometimes crazy people believe entertainers are leaders. Trekkies sometimes believe series stars are real space explorers. A true leader lays semi-conscious in a hospital bed, and Sarah is on the Internet whining that media is picking on her. Sarah Palin is a leader, even if her leadership would seem childish for a prom queen or middle school student council. For eight years we had to listen to these numb-skulls tell us to "shut up and listen to the President." Now that the shoe switches feet, the message changes quickly. Reload. Jared Lee Loughner may not have been motivated by any logical political motive, but that doesn't mean Sarah Palin is either. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Read "The Witch King's Sword" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

The Food Safety Modernization Act was one of those strange movements that united the Radical Right and the Radical Left in one vast orgy of misinformation. Supposedly this law would criminalize farmers' markets and give our government the right to imprison us for giving away the zucchini my ladyfriend grew in our backyard. Did we move to China without my knowledge? No, it's much worse, we still live in the country that can discuss Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign and not be joking even a little bit.

Coming in late, the whole affair looked like a set-up to me. Drafted in the wake of a rotten-chicken outbreak and poop-laced spinach, the bill was intended to enforce higher standards on food producers. Heavily supported by Monsanto, the Tea Party literature I received suggested the new law would prevent private citizens from growing the uncopyrighted seeds left by their grandmother and hand power over our food to the mega-corporations. In truth, the bill specifically exempted any farm making under $500,000 a year and the restaurants that bought directly from them. The Food Safety Modernization Act was signed into law this week, though valiant Republicans have already vowed not to fund it. "Mom, this apple tastes funny!"

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you haven't needed to use Chenango Street. Nearly three weeks after the building burned, one of the main streets in Downtown remains closed to traffic. A few years ago, a building around the corner from me burned and the street was closed for six months. I lived in the slums though, not this important through-way for lawyers, bankers, and artists. The absentee-landlord swears the building is still safe for human habitation. Rumor has it, the landlord may have visited Binghamton once, and we are assured he is advised by top notch people. Also, he sent Party Mayor a substantial gift card to Dave & Busters. If you came to see me Friday night at KNOW Theater, I apologize. The handwritten sign on the door was my first notice the show was canceled too. The Salvation Shark resumes 1/17. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com