Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in America, Tuesday is when we vote. Even if I've unpinned your button from our mutual social networking site, I still believe this election is important, even if it ain't for Prez. Tea Party meatheads are bum-rushing any post that's up for grabs. If we don't shut them down now, next year's candidates will be even angrier thugs, and even more vapid aging beauty queens outdoing O'Donnell's outdoing of Sarah Palin's twiticism. Realizing you're the butt of the joke in the middle of a SNL sketch is way more prestigious than joining the reporters that aren't laughing with you. In spite of O'Donnell, I still think witches are hott.

I have no doubt New York will be the same broken machine limping along another 4 years under Andrew Cuomo. The only worse option I see is Carl Paladino. Thankfully, it seems everyone in New York has realized the same thing except those old men in McDonald's at 6:30am snickering and sipping their senior coffees every time one calls the President that word that no one likes to hear. With Cuomo's victory all but assured, I feel secure to waste my vote. Apologies if I'm wrong, and Paladino wins by 1, but I will be more proud to bring the Rent is Too Damn High Party one step closer to the White House. Check the records, I was voting for Jimmy long before you thought it was cool.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you have one month to clear your calender and spend a Saturday afternoon Christmas shopping in a warm bookstore. Books make the perfect gift, and I give them on nearly every occasion. I take great pains to match a book with someone who doesn't expect to like it. Sometimes I cheap out and give my own books as gifts. If you'd like to give my books as gifts, you can purchase them at RiverRead Books in downtown Binghamton. If you buy them December 4th, I'll be there reading from Man-In-Sea, and I'm sure you could convince me to sign a copy. Why not bring the person you'd like to give the gift, and make that gift all the more special. Also, that person could give you the gift of one of my books as well. What a special Christmas it's going to be! Thanks for reading.

-Paul

printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I received an email this week that got me riled. Apparently, a devotee of Glenn Beck decided to "start a revolution" by shooting a few desk clerks in an office of the ACLU. I hate the 8 hour work day as much as the next guy, but history has shown shotguns to be the messiest and least effective methods of voicing your opinion. Byron Williams made the right choice, at least by action movie standards, abandoning his plan in favor of a 12 minute gun battle with police in the middle of the a busy highway. No one was killed, not even Williams.

The email demanded that Beck be held accountable for this crime, and that all of FoxNews be yanked from the airwaves. While this would certainly make my supermarket experience more pleasant, I need to stand against. In a leaked interview, Williams compared Beck to a "schoolteacher on TV," and freely admitted he accepted Beck's conspiracy theories as truths. Williams was also twice convicted of armed bank robbery. Parents should be telling their kids not to be like this guy no matter their political leanings. Williams made himself every DA's dream, admitting on tape that Beck would never advocate violence. Chances are, Williams would have reacted the same way whether he was upset over news entertainment, or if his 14th-level elf had been slain by a kobold. If it wasn't Judas Priest's fault, and it wasn't Slayer's fault, and Beavis & Butthead didn't do it, and the Beatles can't be blamed, then we must remember that such a "revolution" would endanger Beck's paycheck as much as yours or mine, and he would be the last person to let that happen.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you can come see me December 4th, reading selections from Man-In-Sea at RiverRead Books. RiverRead is my favorite bookstore in Downtown, and that has nothing to do with being the only bookstore in Downtown. Trust me, you should have seen some of the bookstores we had in the past. RiverRead has science books in the front and fresh coffee in the back with the fiction. They also have a store kitten, which may be copyright infringement on a local comic book store known for its over-sized black and white cats. Both stores carry Man-In-Sea, and I certainly shop in both places, so you won't see me picking sides should the issue heat up. My good friend Dave Rasey will be performing as my life-long hero, Rod Serling this Friday from 6-8 as part of PAST's "Spirits of Binghamton Walking Tour." Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Ice Beasts

Read "Ice Beasts" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you probably visited Finch Hollow Nature Center as a kid. I went there each winter with Cub Scouts to make lumpy candles from liquid wax and a string. Taxidermied wildlife adorns the walls, including a moose head with a wooden body you can climb. Behind the center were trails wrapping through the woods, into valleys and around ponds.

Over the years, Finch Hollow suffered flagging interest. I have to admit, while I still frequently drive past the little brown building with its Johnny Hart dinosaur in the parking lot, I've not been there more than once since elementary school. However, I was very sad this week to learn that Finch Hollow will be closing at the end of this year. Broome County has been struggling with upkeep for the center for decades, and have an interested party willing to take it off the county's hands. Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to see a map that showed the intended purpose: natural gas drilling.

With each passing day, the outcome seems more inevitable that New York will be drilled, and as my father pointed out, I'd be paid whether I support the drilling or not. At first this made me feel like a hypocrite, until I realized how to make that money an even more damaging weapon. New York is desperate to drill due to the pressure of our current financial situation, which has been compounded in this state by the vast corruption in Albany. I don't agree our best option is to whore out our landscape to people that have shown time and time again to have no concern for even the most basic natural order. Have we already forgotten what happened in the Gulf of Mexico? Greed will turn New York black with soot once more. I would feel no guilt in accepting this blood money, knowing I'd done everything I could to oppose the measure. That's the down side of Democracy: the people always get what the people want, even if it's a bad idea. I'll take whatever money they want to throw my way, and I'll make sure not a penny is spent in New York. While we wait, you can write to Broome County Executive Barb Fiala at bfiala@co.broome.ny.us and tell her Finch Hollow Nature Center is no prostitute. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First. Chapter 14 posted 10/15

pauljuser.blogspot.com

This week, I found out that my kindergarten teacher is a regular reader of Print is Better. Weird? Yes. Certainly makes me want to swear less. At least I know we are in agreement about sticking it to "that lady," that I can only assume to be our good friend, Sarah. I still don't think I'd be comfortable if she saw me do VOTE NUGE, but I hope she feels she set me off down the right path. There are still people out there fighting the good fight.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, or anywhere in New York State, you've been seeing signs for our next President, Carl Paladino. "I'm mad too, Carl!" I can tell you from experience that is a terrible time to make decisions, especially if that decision involves the captain of a ship seconds from plowing into the rocks.

Paterson punished anyone with the gall to complain about Spitzer's corruption. He cut funding for schools, state workers, not-for-profits, back to schools, Native Americans, and now poverty-stricken HIV patients, all to make sure his crones and enemies alike weren't required to take pay-cuts. This style of governance smashed Rome, Constantinople, and Wall Street. We have every right to be angry, but it's never right to vote that way.

Democracy is a machine that must be operated carefully, and candidates like Paladino prey on votors that don'[t have the patience for that. I'll admit I don't know much about him, save for his glaring orange and black yard signs, that I first thought were Halloween decorations gone up early. I've mainly heard only the rumors. I gave up on Paladino after his first interview, where the only answer he could give on any standing or policy was to check back with his website in a few weeks. He continues to use the same strategy to prove he isn't the only candidate to have an extra-marital affair. What scares me more is how effectively this strategy works. Tea Party dumbasses and goons are storming elections all over the country. These people only know how to hand all the money to the guy who tells them what to do, and punch anyone that says it's a bad idea. If these lunkheads consolidate power, we will be reaping the rewards of saying, "It can't get worse than Bush." Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com