Laugh at Yourself First: The Arrest

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Arrest," and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Dr. Filth comes back this week for "The Arrest," where he tries to prove himself not a threat to public safety. Even bigger, "Nuge for Prez" is almost complete. June 30th my new book of short stories will be arriving at Lulu.com. Read the entire "Ted Nugent for President" series, "Jack the Ripper Doesn't Exist," and many more short stories and scripts from my past.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I wasn't this week. The day job took me into the wilds of the Adirondacks to battle moose, bear, and Snow Sasquatch. If you were here, feel free to send your stories to TbStarlight@gmail.com and I'll post them on Print is Better. If you're not with me in Binghamton, you can make up a story. Say the sky was cloudy and the mayor was drunk, and everyone will believe it's authentic. Winners receive a free .pdf of "Nuge for Prez." Read it first before you buy a print copy. I want you to be sure this is a book that should sit on your shelves for generations to come.

Anyone here me reading "Khan el-Khalili" and discussing the writing process on WHRWfm today? If you missed out, I'll be posting the interview once I get a copy of the file. Draconian Switch magazine is also publishing a short story of mine, "A Parable" as a bonus book accompanying their next issue. Just a note, for customer ease, I've changed the address to my storefront to lulu.com/tbstarlight. My ladyfriend and I were the only people in the theater representing the Optimus Prime T-shirts this weekend, and the second half of the movie made me feel 8 again. I have my fingers crossed the OGPC will have me back soon to dissect it. Until then, thanks for reading.

VOTE NUGE!
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Ted Nugent for President

Friday, August 08, 2008

John McCain is a Werewolf

John McCain's Presidential campaign was over before it started, and the knowledge of this has driven the Senator to lunacy. Rumors coming out of Arizona say he's taken to chasing jackrabbits across the desert under the full moon and killing them with his teeth. Every time Barak Obama scores points with the public, McCain ritually removes a portion of his own face with a rusty scalpel. Come November, there will be nothing left but a wicked skull grin that even the Bush political machine couldn't manipulate into office.

McCain is a loser born and bred. He is working all the tactics that have been successful in the past, but is oblivious to the changing attitude of the public. After 9/11 we were all so fired out that the most brutal and outlandish plots seemed possible and right, and we turned a collective blind eye to the monster that was carrying them out. We saw him on TV, and repeated his actions back in weak gasps, but never took the time to think about how many people 600,000 is. That's twice the population and half the perverts in Washington D.C. combined. Nuge has stood on a steel platform in white pants with guitar in hand and rocked that many people before, and Nuge can tell you it's a hell of a lot of people.

These things are finally starting to sink in though, and it's going to bury John McCain in the mud. The last 8 years have left our nation so sick that Barak Obama could still win by a landslide riding on nothing but McCain's negative campaign ads. Remember how everyone thought of him as the 'Nice Republican?' He's made such a career of throwing elections, he should be a Democrat.

That smug little laugh makes me think of Nixon, but it's the werewolf look in McCain's eyes that has me worried. There is desperation hidden in there, a little monster that says, "I will do whatever I need, whenever I need to win, and if I have to turn the entire Middle East into a sheet of glass to make these people like me, I'll be happy to do it." It's the same smile Ted Bundy would flash the cameras.

The talking heads are too scared to question his war record, but it's certainly not what we'd like in a chief executive. McCain says he knows about fighting and winning wars, but his preferred tactic is to spend four years in a cage eating gruel. I don't think that will get us out of Iraq. Maybe if Obama re-established the Roman policy of decimation could we say it was wrong to elect him. Our boys got tricked into service told they are defending our nation, but get sent to fight an enemy that could barely attack someone outside their hut, let alone thousands of miles away via our well-defended ports.

Most End of the World nuts already think we're done by 2012 anyway. If McCain ends up in the White House, Nuge is switching to their side. After all, Armageddon is only a bad thing if you're on the losing side. The United States of America always promised to be at the forefront of a change in humanity, lead our species into a golden age where men treated each other better, but our good faith allowed these slick bastards to take the reigns. They're all the same, the Bushes, the Clintons, the Hiltons, and the bin Ladens, and maybe we should let them kill each other off. As Americans, we are better than that. This November, we make a choice, and if that choice is for McCain, Nuge fears the hole we fall in might be too deep to dig out.

VOTE NUGE

Currently listening :
The Ultimate Ted Nugent
By Ted Nugent
Release date: 2002-03-26

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “The Witch King’s Sword, Episode 3,” and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

“The Witch King’s Sword” is a departure from what I’ve been writing this last decade or so, but in my high school days it was all I could get out of my pen. Created some time around then, the Glithvals were all but rip-offs of Terry Brooks’s Shadowen that raided and ravaged through my D&D adventures. Time re-sculpted these warriors into something more original. Episode 4 will be posted July 17th. Next week I give you a short story called, “The Arrest.”

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you’re hoping these clouds will break soon. Maybe then we can see that yellow thing that people claim hangs in the sky. Supposedly it’s pretty cool. The goslings at Otsiningo Park are huge, and not the least bit afraid to climb in your lap to steal slices of bread. My good friend and funnyman, Aaron Gold recorded an interview on Episode 47 of the OGPC that I’m looking forward to hearing. You can see Aaron as Dr. Frankenfurter in the Rocky Horror Circus Show June 27th at the Cinema Saver in Endicott. “Nuge for Prez” arrives June 30th. Until then, you can download Dollars Per Hour for free. Help me out and buy a print copy. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Lament Configuration

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "Lament Configuration," and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.

pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you no doubt heard my cry of rage when a piece of broken glass sliced my tire. I’ll be visiting the bike wizards at Chenango Point Cycles this weekend. I was unfriended by the mayor when I tried bringing the issue to his attention through a popular social networking site. I didn't expect much from the guy that let an absentee landlord shut down the busiest intersection in town for most of last summer. Shall we count how many businesses went under? All I want is to stop picking shards out of my shoes. Is that too much to ask?

The winner of last week’s Mary Jane Kelly contest was Christian Stiltner of Cottonwood, CA. Christian won my hand-corrected manuscript for answering the identity of Mary Jane Kelly. The last of Jack the Ripper’s 5 accepted victims. Some theorize the brutality of this crime finally satiated the serial killer, and he never murdered again. For my thoughts, read my play, “Jack the Ripper Doesn’t Exist,” in "Nuge for Prez and Other Fiction." This week, Nuge posted "Drunks with Guns," to Print is Better. Originally from his presidential campaign blog, Nuge has revised, corrected, and updated the story for the times. I also posted new work from the Preacher of Doom City, and "Dear Sirs!" A new Eating Out Upstate has been posted at 607 Magazine, along with my interview with Ian Daddybones on the Original Geeks Podcast.

Laugh at Yourself First is a treat for the old fans this week. It was about ten years ago that I formed the band, Lament Configuration, with my long-time friend, Kevin Kober with my poems read over Kevin's bass stylings. Later, we added Kyle Price on keyboards. We released two EP’s, “Sweet Chastity in Wonderland,” and “Devoid,” and once opened for Mastodon. You think they call when they open Wembly for Metallica? These are the poems from the Lament days. Unlike the rest of Laugh at Yourself, these have not been edited or altered. Next week is going to be “The Witch King’s Sword, Episode 3” Until then, I highly recommend you download my novel, Dollars Per Hour for free. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

printisbetter.blogspot.com

The Preacher of Doom City

"Dear Sirs," by Dr. John Sulich Jr.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Sulich.

Drunks With Guns

From Ted Nugent for President

September 14, 2008

Drunks with Guns

Nuge was out with his son, Dead Eye, hunting cougar down near the Chipawee River this afternoon. The desert was lit up orange like the night he was conceived. I’d just blown up a quail when the boy looked up at his Motor City Mad Dad and asked a question that warmed Nuge's heart. "Dad," he said, "the government can't take our guns, can they?" I put a hand on the boy's shoulder and smiled for a long time, until the boy started squirming in his tracks, thinking he'd got Nuge riled. It was pride that shown off my face. The boy will not be smacked tonight.

"Dead Eye," I boomed. "This is America, we have a right to own guns." Liberal and Conservative factions alike use the ambiguity of the Second Amendment to further their agendas. Some truly have the good of the people in mind. Others, not so much. Selfless and self-serving alike ignore the undeniable message written behind the law. The Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America has nothing to do with firearms, but with an armed and educated populace, not in preparation for war, but to ensure peace. It was an armed and informed populace that won independence for our nation, and the duty of every private citizen to make sure our government serves the people, not the reverse.

Nuge never much liked the term "Gun Law." A law against a gun is a law against private property, and that's unAmerican. Politicians use the term to sway opinion and ensure the payoff of whatever business interest may be squeezed by new regulation. An AK-47 is a dangerous tool, irregardless of the hands that hold it. Nuge believes that strong regulation should be in place to monitor product quality and ensure that brand-spanking-new AK-47's aren't being shipped to drunk fratboys to shoot watermelons in the backyard. Everyone can agree this is dangerous behavior. If you live in a place where an AK is necessary for defense, by all means, carry an AK. Otherwise, a powerful weapon like this should probably be locked up most of the time. Any responsible citizen would agree.

We've heard the candidates stumble and fumble their views on gun control, and no one remembers who shot .22's behind the barn with Uncle Jeb when they were little. These gin-soaked psychopaths are the very people we don't want holding guns. Look what happened last time they let Dick Cheney use a weapon. Have you ever stood next to John McCain? Nuge has. If he doesn't stink of martini, it isn't 9am. Pretty Obama probably couldn't even lift a weapon, let alone take the recoil without crying. I don't want to think what would happen if Hillary Clinton was armed.

Laws should be standards to uphold, not tools for oppression. How many laws do we need on obvious criminal behavior using a gun? Don’t shoot people. After that, let gun ownership be accountable to good judgement entirely. When weapons are taken from the father in the woods with his son on a Sunday morning, then America will know it has gone too far. Until then, we should all be vigilant, and we should all be vocal, because that is the only way to have our voices heard. That's Freedom. That's America, baby.

These rotten bastards can preach change and call themselves mavericks, but not one is better than the rest. The McCain/Palin ticket is lunacy at it's finest, and their cause and method has run its course. I'd hate to be the immigrant dishwasher staring down the barrel of the kalashnikov held by Sarah Palin when her powersuit isn't properly ironed. What America needs is a cowardly Democrat in office that can be easily kowtowed to clean up the spray paint from Bush and his college buddies. Notice they've been quiet the last few months. George can even get through an interview before lunch without sentencing a reporter to death.

Bush and his croneys know their time is up, but McCain is greedy, and he's given them hope at four more years in the party mansion. Senator McCain once fought for change and better politics, but never looked away when he saw the prize. He's got gargoyle eyes like Dick Cheney, and his face could fall off at any given moment. Don't vote Democrat or Republican, vote American. For an America that makes sense.

VOTE NUGE
Currently reading :
God, Guns & Rock and Roll
By Ted Nugent

Laugh at Yourself First: A Love Song for Mary Jane Kelly

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “A Love Song for Mary Jeanette Kelly,” and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Last week I announced a contest. In it's honor, I'm announcing another this week. First off, I'm renaming "Take Me To Your Leader" to "Take Me To Your Sasquatch." This is to commemorate the completion of a story I've been trying to get out of my head for a year. "Lair of the Snow Sasquatch" embarks Dr. Filth on a new career as a cryptozoologist hunting the elusive beast. I'll finish that for you this summer. Second, Mary Jane Kelly is a real person. The first person to email TbStarlight@gmail.com with her identity wins my hand-corrected manuscript of the story. The winner will be announced in next week's Print is Better. Where else do you get this many contests for your buck? These are the days of Wikipedia, so wrong answers will be punished with Stephen King novels. While supplies last.

I revised the title as well as the story from what I used to read live as "...Mary Jeanette Kelly." Readers who've been with me a while may remember a lot more pages, and a lot more gore. Printed versions may still exist in a chapbook called, "A Fugative in God's Country," but part of me hopes not. I made several attempts at a novel about this character, and even finished one draft before it disturbed me enough to shred the manuscript and erase the file. This story remained, and time has allowed several new perspectives, as well as one stylistic rewrite I hope you'll enjoy if you don't run out of breath first.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, I hope you already know the artists I'm working with this summer. First and foremost, Bill Snyder is going to record AIN SOPH for me. Bill is a walking encyclopedia of opera and has a mad-hatter twang that should be reading Kurt Vonnegut. Hear is classical music show Monday-Friday mornings on WSKG. I just finished "Bones Bonus Round #8" with Ian Daddybones of the Original Geeks Podcast. Daddybones and Jiinx discuss video games, movies, comic boooks, and wrestling in a bi-weekly podcast that has become my editiing music. If you've ever asked, “What is there to do in Binghamton?” 607 Magazine has the answer. I also delivered two new restaurant reviews for my gonzo column, “Eating Out Upstate.” I also met up recently with Dr. Bartlemania who's spun the best rock show on WHRW for years. We're arranging time very soon to do some recordings, as well. I'm interested in hearing from musicians for background music. I have one more surprise for my long-time readers as to who will also be working on the AIN SOPH recording. Next week, I'm going to take a break to catch up and offer up the poems I used to perform with Lament Configuration. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com