Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read, "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Last month, I offered readers a free Salvation Shark poster for reading Chapter 40. I didn't exactly follow up to make sure, and there was no written exam to prove anyone read or absorbed the text I posted. I'm sure some people just said, "Oh! Free poster," and abused my generosity. Others were wary, and who can blame them? Today I say I'm giving out free posters, tomorrow I'm on your doorstep with an axe. I wouldn't send me my address either. To the best of my knowledge however, everyone that sent me their address is still alive, and if they are not, I had nothing to do with it.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, it's easy enough to find one of these posters without divulging any sensitive material to me. Not only does RiverRead Books carry my books, but I leave bookmarks and flyers there as well. You can also pull one off a wall or bulletin board, I usually leave extra. If you are elsewhere in the US, I have a solution for you as well. Send me the address of your bookstore, and I will send a poster with your name on it. You don't care if I show up on their doorstep, they always give you a hard time when you ask for more half & half with your coffee. The first Salvation Shark hardcover should be ready by the end of the month. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Read "The Witch King's Sword," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you know it's illegal to talk on your cell phone while operating a motor vehicle in New York State. This goes for car, truck, bus, tractor, or tractor trailer. I fell afoul of the rule last week when a Broome County Sheriff observed me with a phone to my ear. The case is still in the courts, so I make no comment on my guilt or innocence.

I won't say the law is without merit. A few nights ago, I followed a tear-drop-blue Prius that ran from 35 to 50 through a series of 55mph-no-passing zones. When I was finally able to get around, the girl at the wheel was gabbing with no abandon. It should be illegal for her to talk while driving. I am making the claim I am different, but I am not alone. Some weeks I spend more than a day's worth of time at the wheel. I can do a great many things without distraction, from running lines for a play to eating a three-course breakfast.

I propose a point system, with motorists calling a number to report irresponsible drivers. Using new license plate scanning technology employed by New York State police, this should be easy. Drivers with three or more complaints can be identified from a distance, and stopped if they are talking on the phone, shaving, reading the paper, or have their heads below the console finding a CD. The rest of us can go about our business. I do agree that texting should remain illegal, for anyone who doesn't know to keep it below the door panels. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: K'Tloo

See a preview of "K'Tloo" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

As some of you may have noticed, last week was Print is Better 100. For two years now, I've been stuffing your mailbox with these trite rants about world politics and weather in Upstate, NY. The response has been overwhelming: REMOVE ME FROM ALL MAILING LISTS! I would like to thank everyone who made this possible, and all the people who have enjoyed what I've done on Regular Crazy, the Original Geeks Podcast, and Laugh at Yourself First. Chapter 39 of the Salvation Shark posted this week, as well as a sneak preview of a short story called "K'Tloo" that will appear this summer in "Tales of Madness & Macabre Vol II." The new episode of The Witch King's Sword posts April 15th at Laugh at Yourself First.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, we have accolades to celebrate! Fifth most depressing city in the whole country, according to Business Insider magazine. Many in the news media were shocked to discover that only Buffalo, two cities in Ohio, and Flint-Roger-And-Me-Michigan make their residents want to die more. Don't get me wrong, we have almost constant cloud-cover, but enough light always comes through in the afternoon that everyone can see the abandoned buildings and boarded windows in the heart of downtown. Even in the dimmest street lamp you can still step around the garbage on the sidewalks and streets, and avoid nearly every puddle of frat-boy urine on your way to city hall. If there is anyone not embarrassed by the awful condition of this city, they should be locked in the mental asylum that lords over our skyline. I've been through all the other cities on that list, and it's nothing to be proud of for us to be better. Let this be a wakeup call, Binghamton. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Print is Better 100

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in Binghamton, 100 years ago, some of our most famous residents were the kin of Dr. Kilmer. The family business was hawking "Swamp Root," one of the most notorious snake-oils in history. It was a stinking broth of mostly alcohol and a few other undisclosed ingredients that did almost nothing but rot the liver. While the patent medicine is still available today, production was all but shut down by the Pure Food and Drug Act. Willis Sharpe Kilmer stole the family fortune from under his uncle, the original "Doctor," and used it to branch into the newspaper business and horse breeding. Willis and his father built the triangular building on Chenengo Street as well as what was for many years the tallest building in the city. Kilmer was a name known around the world for duplicity and corruption. 'Round these parts, we revere the man as a scion.

There is a new restaurant in the triangular building. It's called 'Remlik's.' Get it? That's the name for the family horse farm in Virginia that is synonymous with animal abuse. They breed only winners. I probably never would have gone to Remlik's myself. I've eaten at nearly all the "fine dining" lunch counters in town, and nearly all of my food has been "microwaved." I don't expect any different from Remlik's. Chances are, it will be closed in 6 months anyway. However, the last few weeks before the restaurant opened, the owner has been threatening to tow any car he finds parked for the ART Mission Theater across his parking lot. April 19th I will be performing in a comedy show at the ART Mission that I helped write. If you'd like to attend, but want to have dinner first, make sure to ask Remlik's if you can remain in the lot. You might have to move your car. If you are coming from out of town and you want my opinion, the Lost Dog Cafe is only two blocks from the theater. Maybe after that, you can see Binghamton's cowboy. We're classy! Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Listeners to the Original Geeks Podcast already heard my big news this week. While I have yet to set a date starting in April, I am releasing The Salvation Shark in two hardcover volumes. followed by a full paperback edition. Chapters will continue posting at Laugh at Yourself First through December, so you can still read the entire book for free. I have a few contests and give-aways planned, starting right now with my Facebook friends. Everyone that "attends" the posting of Chapter 40 will receive a Salvation Shark poster.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you might have been there with me in 1994 when I slam danced for the first time at the Tazmanian Embassy. If you weren't, I was 16-years-old, the Taz was a coke bar on the South Side, and the band was Abalienation. If none of this rings a bell, come to Fitzie's Irish Pub this Friday evening to see "A Trillion Lives." The other kids in the pit that night have reunited to pay tribute, doing an hour of such Abail classics "Punk 'Till I Die," "Are You A Nazi?!?!" and "Tax Bullets Not Beer." This is before Greenday ruined everything, and music was still fast, loud, and under-produced. There will most certainly be a pogo party with all my friends. If you want to see this old punk throw his back when I have to be at the Day Job at 4am, come to Fitzies for A Trillion Lives. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

This week, Laugh at Yourself First is about my brother, Matthew, who I lost one year ago after a 2 year battle with brain cancer. Anything I say will not be enough. Thank you to everyone that helped in the creation of the Matthew Juser Memorial Scholarship, but special thanks to the ART Mission Theater, and the East Maine Fire Company for hosting us. The EMFC named Matthew their Fireman of the Year for his bravery. Matthew was 28. I miss him. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
pauljuser.blogspot.com