Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword, Episode 12

Read “The Witch King’s Sword,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Jingle bells. It took me a couple weeks to write this, because I’ve been more of a grinch than usual this year, and I’ve been trying to not take it out on anyone. It took me this long to cram all of my whining into one single, manageable sentence I’ve already tricked you into reading. Take that, sucker. In retrospect, this would have been a great year had it not been overshadowed by the single worst event I’ve had to experience in my life. GWAR Christmas carols and LIFE narrated by David Attenborough instead of Oprah helped to make the holidays a little brighter.

I hope it brightens your days that Laugh at Yourself First is two years old now. I’m celebrating with the final Episode of the Witch King’s Sword, in which Hook reaches Doom City, and the Dark Man leads Valentine and Chloe away from the pursuing Glithvals. All 12 will recap from January 1st-12th in case you've missed anything. The Salvation Shark resumes 1/14. I’m putting the finishing touches on a story called, “K’Tloo.” For certain people, I don’t need to say any more. The rest will understand. If you’re here with me in Binghamton, stay inside. It’s cold. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Read "Here in This Sorrow," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.

pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, your children may have watched Mega-Force in school this week. This quintet of strongmen go to elementary schools and rip-up phone books and teach kids how to stand up to bullies. I learned of the group from a friend that was angry when he took his son to the evening event that revealed the strongmen to be ordained pastors that passed out donation envelopes, imploring parents them to contribute hundreds of dollars, because no price can be put on saving a soul. My immediate, knee-jerk reaction was that my friend and I should do what he and I did as kids: go to the next event and make asses of ourselves. Thankfully, we’ve grown up a little and can see the truth in what everyone but Slayer says about pens and swords.

I can’t complain too much about what Mega Force does, because their operation is likewise a fairly accurate description of my unrealized plan for my elephant play, Danglehorn. Undoubtably the story forced on school-kids my radical belief in equality between people of every creed, sex, and species. However, I based as much of the story as I could on the scientifically observed behavior between elephants and rhinoceroses. Even similar, my Day Job also takes me through elementary schools to put on on sophomoric performances as well. However, my employer is a legitimate business that pays the schools for the right to have me called "Picklehead" or "Chickenbird" by hundreds of unruly children.

As far as I can tell, Mega Force doesn’t do anything out of line in the schools. Not until later do they reveal their full name, Mega Force Ministries, and convince impressionable children they will die in suicide pacts unless their parents donate hundreds of dollars immediately. 2012 may prove me wrong, but I still don’t believe we are in danger of crowbar-twisting thugs seizing power and abolishing the right to free religion. What upsets me is that in these times of economic ruin, these thugs are exploiting schools for thousands of dollars to promote their opinions on the Hereafter at the expense of the taxpayer. Imagine how quickly Americans would cry 'Terrorist' if Mega Force were Mega Muslims. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Here in This Sorrow

Read "Here in This Sorrow," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I've been so busy planning for my Man-In-Sea show this past weekend that I entirely forgot to mention I had something new for December. Not 'new,' exactly. Here in this Sorrow was my first novel, and until recently was available through printisbetter books. If you've read the story already, don't fret. This version is in HIGH DEFINITION!! If high school was tough for you, and/or you devoted yourself to the Misfits, Here in this Sorrow is the book for you. Chapter 1 runs until December 15th, and the end of The Witch King's Sword, Book 2 posts Christmas Eve. The Salvation Shark, Here in this Sorrow, Witch King, and a lot more resume in 2011.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I went to Boston this weekend. The ladyfriend and I attended Bazaar Bizarre at the Cyclotron and saw many handmade (not homemade) items eagerly purchased by hipsters. Johnny Spaceman and his theramin were not present this year, but I did meet some cool writers from the Boston Comics Roundtable. Then, we ascended the cold and rundown stairs leading to My Thai Vegan Cafe in Chinatown to eat something that looked no different than the shrimp they put on Sushi at the grocery story. On the way, we stumbled on a Banksy in a back alley. We drove home into a snowstorm that hasn't let up since. I put in a request to skip winter this year, but nobody listens to me. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

"Man-In-Sea," by Paul Juser

See "Man-In-Sea" at RiverRead Books Binghamton, December 4th at 3pm.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, and you are an Ed Link enthusiast, I have two things for you. First and foremost, come see me do Man-In-Sea next Saturday. I'll be performing sections from the book, as well as reading several short stories. Secondly, keep your eye open for events at the Center for Technology and Innovation, where you can pilot an actual Link "Blue Box" flight trainer. I went to their open house for the Link display, but later returned with my grandfather to see the rebuilt IBM 1440 computer. A 40 year employee in R&D, I thought he would enjoy seeing the typewriters and THINK plaques mounted on the shelves in various states of disassembly. Instead, he sat at the table in the center of the room, and demanded I get him a cup so he could pee in the hallway. At least I know how I ended up able to be dressed and taken out, but that either is rarely worth the struggle.

A brilliant doctor of chemistry, my grandfather did teach me one good habit, and that is to check my facts. This I implore to anyone who called Senate Bill 510 "the most dangerous bill in the history of the entire friggin' world." One Canadian and a truckload of blogs all agreed that if this bill came to be, not only would your local farmers' market be criminalized, but American citizens could be imprisoned for giving away zucchini from their backyard garden. Some friends and neighbors may consider this a blessing, but I smelled something fishy. My grandfather taught me to read about history, so such a law certainly seemed possible, but I refused to believe we've fallen so far that it's probable.

I went home and started reading. The blogs all quoted each other, and the Christian Science Monitor of all places had the good sense to break down the facts from the rumors. I have a hard time trusting them after the Tom Cruise freakout video, so I made sure to check those facts. After amendment, the bill exempts any farm making less than $500,000 a year, as well as the restaurants and private retailers that purchase from those farmers. Rather than giving Monsanto the right to everything you eat, the law would make it more difficult for the big companies to send you a chicken full of salmonella or spinach full of poop. First the Death Panels, and now s510. The bad guys are starting to see how easily Americans will become enraged over rumor without looking for proof. Dark times are ahead if we can be so easily manipulated. Check your facts, friends. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

printisbetter.blogspot.com

Read "The Salvation Shark" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.

pauljuser.blogspot.com

I skipped PiB last week, because I couldn't write anything that wasn't a diatribe about my disappointment over the election. I needed time to find a positive outlook on the situation. The high-profile criminals like Paladino and the popular loons like Christine O'Palin were put down, but I don't know much about the victors. It's not fair for me to judge them on the actions of others. Most I've encountered seem to hate every freedom but their own, advocating religious dominationany people in their party preach religious domination, and would be proud to step back to less tolerant times. Most I've encountered are openly racist, and despite protests their criticisms are based in social policy, still try to slip that big, ugly word into their descriptions of the President. Most seem to hate every freedom but their own.

Decent people will not stand for this, no matter how loud the lunkheads shout. I refuse to believe the majority of us would say that "Ballot or Bullet" guy is a person to lead this country to a better future. I will concede that Ballot or Bullet guy has a right to be angry, and it's not because Obama's a you-know-what, or any other thing you might mutter under your breath, but because the same criminals that made our mess are being allowed to try and fix our mess by making the same mess on a much grander scale. The Tea Party preaches a message of fiscal responsibility, and right now Americans need to learn any responsibility they are offered. If these people want to be leaders, we need to treat them like leaders by being on guard against everything I mentioned in the first paragraph. As long as we prevent that, I've always believed the point of America was that maybe these guys can do a better job. In America, anyone can succeed.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I want to remind you once again to come see me December 4th at RiverRead Books. I'll be reading selections from Man-In-Sea, and signing copies as well. You don't have to be in Binghamton to hear me on the Original Geeks Podcast, or to vote for us in the Sports category at podcastawards.com. December 3rd, Daddybones will be making his ring-announcer debut for East Coast Pro Wrestling. I haven't watched wrestling since that Undertaker/McMahon "Higher Power" storyline pushed my suspension of disbelief too far, but I'll be at the show that night. The hundredth episode of the OGPC records this week. Thanks for all the birthday wishes this week. It's been a tough year, so it was nice to hear from the outside world. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in America, Tuesday is when we vote. Even if I've unpinned your button from our mutual social networking site, I still believe this election is important, even if it ain't for Prez. Tea Party meatheads are bum-rushing any post that's up for grabs. If we don't shut them down now, next year's candidates will be even angrier thugs, and even more vapid aging beauty queens outdoing O'Donnell's outdoing of Sarah Palin's twiticism. Realizing you're the butt of the joke in the middle of a SNL sketch is way more prestigious than joining the reporters that aren't laughing with you. In spite of O'Donnell, I still think witches are hott.

I have no doubt New York will be the same broken machine limping along another 4 years under Andrew Cuomo. The only worse option I see is Carl Paladino. Thankfully, it seems everyone in New York has realized the same thing except those old men in McDonald's at 6:30am snickering and sipping their senior coffees every time one calls the President that word that no one likes to hear. With Cuomo's victory all but assured, I feel secure to waste my vote. Apologies if I'm wrong, and Paladino wins by 1, but I will be more proud to bring the Rent is Too Damn High Party one step closer to the White House. Check the records, I was voting for Jimmy long before you thought it was cool.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you have one month to clear your calender and spend a Saturday afternoon Christmas shopping in a warm bookstore. Books make the perfect gift, and I give them on nearly every occasion. I take great pains to match a book with someone who doesn't expect to like it. Sometimes I cheap out and give my own books as gifts. If you'd like to give my books as gifts, you can purchase them at RiverRead Books in downtown Binghamton. If you buy them December 4th, I'll be there reading from Man-In-Sea, and I'm sure you could convince me to sign a copy. Why not bring the person you'd like to give the gift, and make that gift all the more special. Also, that person could give you the gift of one of my books as well. What a special Christmas it's going to be! Thanks for reading.

-Paul

printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I received an email this week that got me riled. Apparently, a devotee of Glenn Beck decided to "start a revolution" by shooting a few desk clerks in an office of the ACLU. I hate the 8 hour work day as much as the next guy, but history has shown shotguns to be the messiest and least effective methods of voicing your opinion. Byron Williams made the right choice, at least by action movie standards, abandoning his plan in favor of a 12 minute gun battle with police in the middle of the a busy highway. No one was killed, not even Williams.

The email demanded that Beck be held accountable for this crime, and that all of FoxNews be yanked from the airwaves. While this would certainly make my supermarket experience more pleasant, I need to stand against. In a leaked interview, Williams compared Beck to a "schoolteacher on TV," and freely admitted he accepted Beck's conspiracy theories as truths. Williams was also twice convicted of armed bank robbery. Parents should be telling their kids not to be like this guy no matter their political leanings. Williams made himself every DA's dream, admitting on tape that Beck would never advocate violence. Chances are, Williams would have reacted the same way whether he was upset over news entertainment, or if his 14th-level elf had been slain by a kobold. If it wasn't Judas Priest's fault, and it wasn't Slayer's fault, and Beavis & Butthead didn't do it, and the Beatles can't be blamed, then we must remember that such a "revolution" would endanger Beck's paycheck as much as yours or mine, and he would be the last person to let that happen.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you can come see me December 4th, reading selections from Man-In-Sea at RiverRead Books. RiverRead is my favorite bookstore in Downtown, and that has nothing to do with being the only bookstore in Downtown. Trust me, you should have seen some of the bookstores we had in the past. RiverRead has science books in the front and fresh coffee in the back with the fiction. They also have a store kitten, which may be copyright infringement on a local comic book store known for its over-sized black and white cats. Both stores carry Man-In-Sea, and I certainly shop in both places, so you won't see me picking sides should the issue heat up. My good friend Dave Rasey will be performing as my life-long hero, Rod Serling this Friday from 6-8 as part of PAST's "Spirits of Binghamton Walking Tour." Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com