Man-In-Sea

Back in late 2000, when Al Gore was still trying to prove he’d won the pay raise and new crib fair and square, a photocopied cartoon passed through the Day Job. It featured a crying infant surrounded by a wooden plaque reading “Official Seal of the Democratic Party.” After this week’s health care summit, I’d like to see that seal passed to John “Sniffles” McCain and the twisted invalids he fights to represent. When asked flat out, no room to dodge, they could not explain why the felt it was so unreasonable for all of us to be healthy. I am a staunch believer that we are the greatest nation in the world, so it kind of pisses me off that people in France can go see the doctor whenever they want and not be docked for the days off work.

It’s an issue that weighs heavily on my mind right now, as my younger brother lays in a hospital bed recovering from his second surgery to remove a brain tumor that attacked him for no reason that anyone can explain to me. Matthew worked hard all his life, but there had no choice but to go on Medicaid when this happened, and he has been well taken care of. If you among those that want to stand in the way of that, I invite you to come sit with me in the hospital and watch him inspect his arm like he’s never seen it before or struggle to remember the number after thirteen.

In April I am publishing “Man-In-Sea,” based on the life of Edwin A. Link Jr., an inventor from Binghamton, NY., who built a carnival ride that revolutionized the world of flight and has been credited with defeating the Luftwaffe. All proceeds will go to help my brother’s recovery. If you are here with me in Binghamton, you can come to the release party April 16th at the ART Mission Theater. Bill Snyder of WSKG will lead the cast reading the story live. If you are interested in sponsoring books for this event, please contact me at TbStarlight@gmail.com. Next week, Laugh at Yourself First will have the new episode of The Witch King’s Sword. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Unbearable Experimentation of the Insidious Dr. Dendrobates

Read "The Unbearable Experimentation of the Insidious Dr. Dendrobates" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in Binghamton, come see VOTE NUGE this week. I'll be performing every night at 7:15 at the ART Mission Theater. The show is free with movie admission, and this week they are playing "A Single Man" and "Young Victoria." Both are fantastic.

When I was a kid, I read and re-read a series of books called "Time Machine," where you jumped around the timeline for apparently no other reason than to keep yourself from screwing up the timeline by jumping around and messing with things. I tended to be a cataclysm that brought about the end of the dinosaurs much too early. "The Vampire of Doom City" is like a choose-your-own adventure for grownups. I give you the details, but leave you to put them together. I started a contest this week to win the print edition. All you need to do is tell me the story. The last main character will be revealed March 15th. You can read it at regularcrazy.blogspot.com. I hope you're enjoying Dr. Dendrobates. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

Laugh at Yourself First: The Unbearable Experimentation of the Insidious Dr. Dendrobates

Read “The Unbearable Experimentation of the Insidious Dr. Dendrobates” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Nobody panic, Jack Nicholson is still alive. That was the first sigh of relief I had all week when I discovered that was a hoax. For everything else, I think about Marlow and keep my eyes on the river ahead of me. I hope your life is good, because I'm in serious need of a few seconds of silence. Each of us has or own personal horror stories. I say this for everyone. Fuck cancer. Let it be a reminder each day that life is for living.

"The Unbearable Experimentation of the Insidious Dr. Dendrobates" is different. The scenes are short, and by no means warrant 30 weeks of one-page postings. Instead, Act 1 will be presented one scene at a time from February 12th through February 23rd. Acts 2 and 3 will follow in March and April. Laugh at Yourself First goes back to normal weekly postings after that, but “The Vampire of Doom City” has been updated daily since January 1st. Some of you may even think you have the story figured out. Let me know your theories and I will post them on Print is Better. Develop your own at regularcrazy.blogspot.com.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, Nuge is on the loose! Friday, Nuge debuted “The Theme to That Movie: RED DAWN” first at RiverRead’s open mic, then at the Blot Spot with the Genital Holograms. If you happen to be among the few that enjoy bizarre twisting soundscapes, I highly recommend. Come see me do VOTE NUGE February 22nd-26 at the ART Mission Theater before the 7:30 shows. Prizes, give-aways, and your chance to be immortalized in the Nuge video we’re recording. It's free with movie admission. We’re hoping to have the new movie with the Dude. The original TTFTM:RD, written by myself and Brett Tribe, can be found with a Google search. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword, Episode 8

Read "The Witch King's Sword" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

First week of Feb, folks, and in this episode of the Witch King's Sword, Erby the troll takes Chloe Isis and Valentine on a boat down the Great River to escape the Glithvals that pursue them. If Sword & Sorcery isn't your bag, next week I have a mad scientist story. "The Unbearable Experimentation of the Insidious Dr. Dendrobates" will be posted one scene each day from February 12th-23rd. Act II and III will follow in March and April.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you were well aware of Punxsutawney Phil's prediction long before that little rodent crawled out of his fiberglass stump. Would you believe me if I told you that woodchuck is a close friend of mine? I couldn't exactly call him up to get you an inside prediction, but we've been introduced, and I've seen the damage he did to a kitchen after being left unattended with a chocolate cake no one thought he could reach. He was raised in the Town of Maine by a woman I know quite well, and when the choice came to give him away or shoot him, he became a lucky celebrity. His Christian name is 'Whistlepig.'

This kind of thing is not uncommon in the Town of Maine. My dad always swore he could have a baby woodchuck sit in his lap and purr like a cat after only a few hours of handling, but that was never one of the bizarre creatures that lived at my house. I always preferred reptiles. This past Sunday, I performed VOTE NUGE with Aaron Gold and Derek Thoby, and again on Wednesday with Freddie Nugz and the Uniters. If you saw me out last night at First Friday, that was Kevin from Swath and Dance-A-Tron playing "Dusty," Nuge's road technician, body-guard, and door-opener since the '76 Motorhead tour. That list of performers and musicians I name-dropped are all artists you should check out, and I have links to each one at the Print is Better blog. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Salt Works

Read Salt Works and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

For a number of reasons, I don’t like writing stories that make my political leanings. First and foremost, I’d rather leave you thinking at the end. If my stories were nothing but a list of my whacked-out leftist views you’d be bored to death. If you want proof, go listen to a CRASS album. Why do you think I chose Ted Nugent for a character?

“Salt Works” came differently though. I don’t care if you know I’m completely against the hydrofracking that is currently plaguing Upstate New York and the rest of the Marcellus Shale formation. I drive far and wide through Upstate on a daily basis, and I love what I see. If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you know that the drive from here to Syracuse resembles something out of a JRR Tolkien novel, with rolling hills and endless, deep green forests. Tolkien also cloaked his sources, and frequently denied that the epic battles in the Lord of the Rings were inspired by what he saw fighting in WWI.

I thought I had the story ready for posting weeks ago, but then I started reading “Salt: A World History” by Mark Kurlansky, and saw not only do the frackers lack foresight, but hindsight as well. The issue has been reduced to a crude joke that appears in windows, on bumper-stickers, on the news, and out of the mouths of people willing to look past the sick children and fouled water and see the dollar signs. By the way, that is a quote I overheard from a board meeting held in my local cafe by the directors of a drilling company. I wish I could take credit for such a good line.

I am a fiction writer. The events detailed in “Salt Works” didn’t all happen around Syracuse. However, when these events happened, wherever they happened in the world, the salt miners denied responsibility. Oil and natural gas form near salt barriers, and salt mining directly gave birth to the oil and natural gas industries. I don’t want to make it sound like I won’t laugh at a good fart joke, but not when it’s in reference to what I use to wash my dishes, bathe in, and drink. It’s a movement. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Pretty Much Name-Dropping

The Print is Better I wrote this week pertained mainly to my show last night at RiverRead Books, so it wasn't much us to anyone that wasn't here with me in Binghamton. For the rest of you, the event was a lot of fun. Thanks to Ian Daddybones of the OGPC for announcing your next President, and then me. Apparently, I repeatedly said I'd be at the Mad Moose Sunday, January 31st. In truth I'll be at the Mad Monk's. If you're not with me in Binghamton, this is funny, because the Mad Moose is a bar around the corner from the Mad Monk's. It's nice, but the walls are covered with severed animal heads, which I find to make an unpleasant drinking situation. There is also a Loyal Order of Moose down the street from the Mad Monk's with a surprisingly sweet ball room.

For those with me in Binghamton, I'll be performing VOTE NUGE, and sharing the stage with Derek Thoby and Aaron Gold. If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you remember him from Team Boomsplosion! with one of my closest friends, Brett Tribe. Brett recently passed away to the afterlife that is Austin, TX. We communicate via text message and Ouija board, talking mostly about the merits of Friday the 13th. If you're in Austin, TX., you should go see Brett Tribe. He's funny.

For next week, I've written a story about giant hypodermic needles injecting poison directly into the Earth. No, it's not Captain Planet fanfiction. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

Print is Better: VOTE NUGE

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you'll be able to join me for the debut performance of my one-man show, VOTE NUGE, tomorrow night at RiverRead Books. I'll also be reading other selections from my short story collection, NUGE FOR PREZ and Other Fiction.

Apparently, Ted Nugent said some things that upset some people. I didn't hear these things, but I trust the sources, so I'll take your word for it. You have no need to worry, as I assure you I am not Ted Nugent. Nor have I ever been Ted Nugent, and I don't expect to ever be Ted Nugent, though if you come to my show, there will be a short period where I claim to be Ted Nugent. Don't be fooled. I'm not. If you remain unconvinced that myself and Ted Nugent are separate people, ask my guest announcer, Ian Daddybones of the Original Geeks Podcast. He'll be telling you who I am and keeping you entertained during costume changes. That's right, I said costume changes.

All I ask is for the opportunity to offend you myself. If you come to my show, I'm sure I'll say something you'll be upset by something I say. If not, I promise you'll find something to tick you off in the pages of NUGE FOR PREZ. The show starts at 7pm. If this doesn't work for you, we can try again January 31st at the Mad Monk's. I'll be joining comedians Aaron Gold and Derek Thoby. The week of February 22nd, I'll be the 'opening act' for the films playing at the ART Mission Theater. For information on these show and more, you can become a fan of VOTE NUGE at the link below. Thanks for Reading.

-Paul
VOTE NUGE