Apparently, I Spam

Well, folks, seconds after mailing out the belated "Print is Better" for this week when Laugh at Yourself First was shut down for spamming. If I told you once, I've told you a million times, you'll never stop me from selling prescription drugs at bargain basement prices! Actually, a live Blogger-person must review my account before it can be restored, so I shouldn't joke. My account is legit! I swear! I blame jilted cast members, angry I only listed the stellar cast of my favorite version of "The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula's Cook." Check back in a few days, everything should be worked out. Thanks.

-Paul

Laugh at Yourself First: The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula's Cook

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula’s Cook,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser
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If you’re here with me in Binghamton, you may have already seen “The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula’s Cook.” Three versions have been produced five times across the Southern Tier. You can read the original version, as well as plays from Brett Tribe and Judith Present in “The Play’s the Thing!” The version I’m presenting you this week was part of Theatricks by Starlight’s HUMPED variety show, with myself as Bruce, Kristin Wheeler as Janessa, and Brett Tribe as the Coffee Maker.

This Tuesday, I’m presenting a live reading of “Mother of Blue Stars,” by Jim Gonda. Starting at 7:30pm at the Art Mission Theater, we're asking for your help. After the reading., you'll be asked for your thoughts in a short questionairre. The reading starts at 7:30, featuring the voice talents of Bill Snyder, Dave Merrell, and Carolyn Christy-Boyden. Joe Falank will be in the lead role of Raymond Banas, who has just announced he’s quitting high school to join his brothers in World War II. Jim and I will be discussing the play with Gregory Keeler, 9:30am that morning on WSKG public radio, 89.3fm, or wskg.org.

My copies of Nuge for Prez arrived this week, and they look fantastic. I’ll be happy to show you if you run into me, or you can order one for yourself through lulu.com. The day job has kept me touring at ungodly hours, so I think next week I’ll be resorting to poetry. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted any. Forgive me if I slur. Until then, thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Witch King's Sword, Episode 4," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry by Paul Juser.
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I've won a contest for you! Until the end of July, you will receive 10% off print copies of Nuge for Prez when you enter the code JULYCONTEST10 with your order at Lulu.com. As always, you can read the .pdf for free, but downloaded copies don't come with my eternal thanks and gratitude. If that's not an unbeatable deal, I don't know what is. This week's Laugh at Yourself is Episode 4 of The Witch King's Sword. Sword & Sorcery makes me shudder at the thought of half-elf kissing cousins, but in my youth, that was all my pen could scratch. In this episode, Rubin and Chloe of Dollars Per Hour are lead by an ibis named Dahooty to Wicked City, home of the trolls to find a magic coat to save the Tree of Life. Episode 5 will be complete August 21st.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you've visited our only independent bookstore, RiverRead Books. Tonight, I visited their monthly poetry reading intending to read "Sweet Chastity in Wonderland." When I saw children in the crowd and no backup poem, I was forced to self-censor and respectfully decline. I briefly considered omitting the rat hanging from the pants of the Great World Leader, and anything else possibly offensive, but that would leave the poem at approximately 5 senseless lines. I consider this a win, because on opening night of the stage play, I was helpless to stand in the back and watch as my mother chose the front row seat before the coffin the Devil would later crawl into for improper relations with the corpse of the Voice of Morality.Two versions of Chastity were published on Laugh at Yourself First, so you can decide for yourself if I made the right choice. Next week I have a script for a comedy play, "The Legend of the Ghost of Dracula's Cook." Until then, thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Regular Crazy

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for “Regular Crazy,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
Pauljuser.blogspot.com

Thank you to everyone who purchased a copy of Nuge for Prez. Now that it’s finished, I promise to get back on track with Print is Better I have a stack of "Dear Sirs!" on my desk giving me the stink-eye. This week, I’m making a change to Regular Crazy. With the story becoming more clear, you don't want to wait a month for the next installment, and neither do I. I loved the idea of a Twitter novel, and Regular Crazy was already in a perfect format. You can now follow Regular Crazy on Twitter for regular additions that will be collected at Laugh at Yourself First once a month, to be sure you don’t miss anything.

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, I’ve got a show that needs your voice. Theatricks by Starlight’s Playwright Unit has found a new home in the Art Mission Theater, and to celebrate, we’re inviting you to help us with a new play. July 28th at 7:30pm, we're reading “Mother of Blue Stars,” by Jim Gonda. Following the story of Banas family, as their youngest son, Raymond, announces he is leaving school to join his brothers fighting World War II. Listen to the play performed by experienced actors, and when it's finished, help the playwright with a short questionnaire on comments, criticisms, and suggestions for revision as Theatricks by Starlight brings this story from the page to the stage. E-mail me at TbStarlight@gmail.com for more information on the Playwright Unit. Next week, I bring you Episode 4 of “The Witch King’s Sword.” Thanks for reading.

-Paul
Printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Secret of Her Success

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for"The Secret of Her Success" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I hope you're enjoying "Nuge for Prez." Slowly, you will be indoctrinated into my oppressive totalitarian agenda. I've been so consumed with it that I woke up this morning and said, "Oh no! It's Friday!" I've spent the entire week thinking it's Tuesday. This was good news on Monday when I found out I was ahead of schedule, convenient on Tuesday, but the rest of the week has been disaster.

Initially, I'd planned to post "The Secret of Her Success" this week in support of Nuge, but scrapped the double-release idea to keep content in the book you can't get elsewhere. I wrote this story for a good friend during a tough time, and had all but forgotten about it when I was selecting stories for the book. What this means for you is that Sophia Artichoke receives a nice cover design here that is not in the book. My apologies. Next week is more "Regular Crazy."

If you're here with me in Binghamton, tonight is First Friday! Trust me, the event is much less of an eyesore than the website. To celebrate the impending July 4th under a new President, I will be throwing M80's at any painting that should hang in a dentist's office. This should keep everyone festive and creative in our reborn nation. Look for new material on Print is Better in the coming week. Until then, thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Arrest

Visit Laugh at Yourself First for "The Arrest," and more short stories, scripts, and very little poetry from Paul Juser.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Dr. Filth comes back this week for "The Arrest," where he tries to prove himself not a threat to public safety. Even bigger, "Nuge for Prez" is almost complete. June 30th my new book of short stories will be arriving at Lulu.com. Read the entire "Ted Nugent for President" series, "Jack the Ripper Doesn't Exist," and many more short stories and scripts from my past.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I wasn't this week. The day job took me into the wilds of the Adirondacks to battle moose, bear, and Snow Sasquatch. If you were here, feel free to send your stories to TbStarlight@gmail.com and I'll post them on Print is Better. If you're not with me in Binghamton, you can make up a story. Say the sky was cloudy and the mayor was drunk, and everyone will believe it's authentic. Winners receive a free .pdf of "Nuge for Prez." Read it first before you buy a print copy. I want you to be sure this is a book that should sit on your shelves for generations to come.

Anyone here me reading "Khan el-Khalili" and discussing the writing process on WHRWfm today? If you missed out, I'll be posting the interview once I get a copy of the file. Draconian Switch magazine is also publishing a short story of mine, "A Parable" as a bonus book accompanying their next issue. Just a note, for customer ease, I've changed the address to my storefront to lulu.com/tbstarlight. My ladyfriend and I were the only people in the theater representing the Optimus Prime T-shirts this weekend, and the second half of the movie made me feel 8 again. I have my fingers crossed the OGPC will have me back soon to dissect it. Until then, thanks for reading.

VOTE NUGE!
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Ted Nugent for President

Friday, August 08, 2008

John McCain is a Werewolf

John McCain's Presidential campaign was over before it started, and the knowledge of this has driven the Senator to lunacy. Rumors coming out of Arizona say he's taken to chasing jackrabbits across the desert under the full moon and killing them with his teeth. Every time Barak Obama scores points with the public, McCain ritually removes a portion of his own face with a rusty scalpel. Come November, there will be nothing left but a wicked skull grin that even the Bush political machine couldn't manipulate into office.

McCain is a loser born and bred. He is working all the tactics that have been successful in the past, but is oblivious to the changing attitude of the public. After 9/11 we were all so fired out that the most brutal and outlandish plots seemed possible and right, and we turned a collective blind eye to the monster that was carrying them out. We saw him on TV, and repeated his actions back in weak gasps, but never took the time to think about how many people 600,000 is. That's twice the population and half the perverts in Washington D.C. combined. Nuge has stood on a steel platform in white pants with guitar in hand and rocked that many people before, and Nuge can tell you it's a hell of a lot of people.

These things are finally starting to sink in though, and it's going to bury John McCain in the mud. The last 8 years have left our nation so sick that Barak Obama could still win by a landslide riding on nothing but McCain's negative campaign ads. Remember how everyone thought of him as the 'Nice Republican?' He's made such a career of throwing elections, he should be a Democrat.

That smug little laugh makes me think of Nixon, but it's the werewolf look in McCain's eyes that has me worried. There is desperation hidden in there, a little monster that says, "I will do whatever I need, whenever I need to win, and if I have to turn the entire Middle East into a sheet of glass to make these people like me, I'll be happy to do it." It's the same smile Ted Bundy would flash the cameras.

The talking heads are too scared to question his war record, but it's certainly not what we'd like in a chief executive. McCain says he knows about fighting and winning wars, but his preferred tactic is to spend four years in a cage eating gruel. I don't think that will get us out of Iraq. Maybe if Obama re-established the Roman policy of decimation could we say it was wrong to elect him. Our boys got tricked into service told they are defending our nation, but get sent to fight an enemy that could barely attack someone outside their hut, let alone thousands of miles away via our well-defended ports.

Most End of the World nuts already think we're done by 2012 anyway. If McCain ends up in the White House, Nuge is switching to their side. After all, Armageddon is only a bad thing if you're on the losing side. The United States of America always promised to be at the forefront of a change in humanity, lead our species into a golden age where men treated each other better, but our good faith allowed these slick bastards to take the reigns. They're all the same, the Bushes, the Clintons, the Hiltons, and the bin Ladens, and maybe we should let them kill each other off. As Americans, we are better than that. This November, we make a choice, and if that choice is for McCain, Nuge fears the hole we fall in might be too deep to dig out.

VOTE NUGE

Currently listening :
The Ultimate Ted Nugent
By Ted Nugent
Release date: 2002-03-26