Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Mark Twain Country is not far from me, and at some points through the year, the Day Job has me there more than my own home. In honor of Twain's 100th birthday, his surviving heirs, Tom and Huck, are being given a face-lift to show their maturity. In a move that stinks of Liberal feel-good dumbassery, the new editions will be expunged of that word that is only acceptable in rap songs and Tea Party descriptions of the President. Maybe if the offensive word is removed, the offensive history will disappear with it. I've learned the hard way that you can't use it even in the context of, "I'm so offended that person used this word." Instead, you are supposed to give hints to what word you are referring to. I'm not that swift, I get side-tracked, "What word? Nincompoops? Knuckleheads?"

A great teacher once told me, "The only offensive word is 'hate.'" It can't have any more power than you give it. While some argue Abraham Lincoln made history as an unrecognized racist, I think Mark Twain's motives were unquestionable. He was not using that word to oppress anyone, he was using that word to describe the way people talked in a segment of society he found reprehensible. If not other things, the United States is a more accepting place than it was in the time Twain was writing, but the Good Guys still have a lot of work to do. Mark Twain's books are one of the very reasons we have come so far. If he is still offending people, he done his job good.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, you're wondering why the rest of the country is so upset about this weather. The first time I ever drove in the snow, my car came within inches of T-boning another car at the stoplight on a long straight highway that went downhill for miles. I now live at the top of that hill. A few weeks later, a different storm spun me into a ditch. It wasn't until the next winter that I hit two or three consecutive patches of ice and smashed my tail light on a guardrail. You get used to it. Gas into the snowbanks. I've barely had reason to leave the house the last week, so I've dug in and fortified. I've been obsessively scrubbing bathtubs, changing toilets, and making bookmarks for The Salvation Shark. Look for them around town. If you are not in Binghamton, I'll be happy to send you a few to leave in your own town. Drop me a line at TbStarlight@gmail.com. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First:: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I've barely been able to leave my house for the last week. The Day Job leaves me laying low this time of year, which is very nice, considering the weather outside my window and the miles they make me drive in the dark. Last week, when my working-man's welfare didn't hit my account by the end of the third day, I called to complain. Respect to Martin Luther King Jr. and all, but I was out of eggs and avocados, and was drinking coffee from the gas station. The seat-moistener informed me that it wasn't the holiday, but my purchases the day before were the reason for my negative balance. In three years, my unemployment card has left my wallet only for an ATM. Still, the rapidly-expanding ass in row 34g informed of two charges from a company in Bangladesh. If I disagreed, I can fax-not-email a letter stating I made no such charges.

I've been many places, but I've never been to Bangladesh, and certainly not last week. I’m not proud, but I don’t know much about Bangladesh. To me, it’s always been the place with the tigers. For all I knew, this person could be living somewhere that makes the hellholes I’ve lived in look like mansions. I pictured a rouge outlaw plucking my information from the data banks of this global financial network. Deep down, there is still a kid in a leather jacket listening to the Dead Kennedys and thinking Julian Assange and this thief are pretty cool. I was given ‘temporary credit’ while my case is being investigated, and get the impression this is a routine deal. I’m still waiting ten days until my new card arrives. In the mean time, the thief spent more on clothes than I've spent in three years or more. His didn't come off the clearance rack. According to Blogger stats, someone in Bangladesh was reading The Salvation Shark the same day. I’ll consider it all a success if they were not the same person. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Salvation Shark

Read "The Salvation Shark," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I remain proud of jumping on the "Blame Palin" bandwagon only hours after the tragic event that claimed the life of 6 people in Arizona. Now that the evidence seems to point to no connection whatsoever, I hold my position on that wagon. Personally, I don't care if Sarah was on the phone with Jared Lee Loughner the night before begging him not to hurt anyone, I would like to convince as many people as I can that she is directly responsible. I'm a fiction writer, if you aren't checking my facts, you aren't doing your job.

Maybe Palin deserves more credit than she's received, having stumbled upon the Roman tradition of distributing names to the mobs. If you're here with me in Binghamton, you've heard Doug Drazen do this every time he runs for mayor. This allows rivals to be beaten, raped, or murdered, and the person responsible remains not responsible. This event has seen the pigs passionately decry their very favorite tactics. As a young headbanger, I watched my favorite bands and authors blamed for murders and suicides, but somehow Palin is innocent when she puts crosshairs on a person that is later shot?

I'm not advocating the censorship of violent allusions in political rhetoric, but it's time to take responsibility for these actions. A few months ago, I wrote a story defending Glenn Beck when a crazed fan decided to take the fight to the not-for-profits with a car-full of guns. Beck is an entertainer. Sometimes crazy people believe entertainers are leaders. Trekkies sometimes believe series stars are real space explorers. A true leader lays semi-conscious in a hospital bed, and Sarah is on the Internet whining that media is picking on her. Sarah Palin is a leader, even if her leadership would seem childish for a prom queen or middle school student council. For eight years we had to listen to these numb-skulls tell us to "shut up and listen to the President." Now that the shoe switches feet, the message changes quickly. Reload. Jared Lee Loughner may not have been motivated by any logical political motive, but that doesn't mean Sarah Palin is either. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword

Read "The Witch King's Sword" and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

The Food Safety Modernization Act was one of those strange movements that united the Radical Right and the Radical Left in one vast orgy of misinformation. Supposedly this law would criminalize farmers' markets and give our government the right to imprison us for giving away the zucchini my ladyfriend grew in our backyard. Did we move to China without my knowledge? No, it's much worse, we still live in the country that can discuss Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign and not be joking even a little bit.

Coming in late, the whole affair looked like a set-up to me. Drafted in the wake of a rotten-chicken outbreak and poop-laced spinach, the bill was intended to enforce higher standards on food producers. Heavily supported by Monsanto, the Tea Party literature I received suggested the new law would prevent private citizens from growing the uncopyrighted seeds left by their grandmother and hand power over our food to the mega-corporations. In truth, the bill specifically exempted any farm making under $500,000 a year and the restaurants that bought directly from them. The Food Safety Modernization Act was signed into law this week, though valiant Republicans have already vowed not to fund it. "Mom, this apple tastes funny!"

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I hope you haven't needed to use Chenango Street. Nearly three weeks after the building burned, one of the main streets in Downtown remains closed to traffic. A few years ago, a building around the corner from me burned and the street was closed for six months. I lived in the slums though, not this important through-way for lawyers, bankers, and artists. The absentee-landlord swears the building is still safe for human habitation. Rumor has it, the landlord may have visited Binghamton once, and we are assured he is advised by top notch people. Also, he sent Party Mayor a substantial gift card to Dave & Busters. If you came to see me Friday night at KNOW Theater, I apologize. The handwritten sign on the door was my first notice the show was canceled too. The Salvation Shark resumes 1/17. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: The Witch King's Sword, Episode 12

Read “The Witch King’s Sword,” and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

Jingle bells. It took me a couple weeks to write this, because I’ve been more of a grinch than usual this year, and I’ve been trying to not take it out on anyone. It took me this long to cram all of my whining into one single, manageable sentence I’ve already tricked you into reading. Take that, sucker. In retrospect, this would have been a great year had it not been overshadowed by the single worst event I’ve had to experience in my life. GWAR Christmas carols and LIFE narrated by David Attenborough instead of Oprah helped to make the holidays a little brighter.

I hope it brightens your days that Laugh at Yourself First is two years old now. I’m celebrating with the final Episode of the Witch King’s Sword, in which Hook reaches Doom City, and the Dark Man leads Valentine and Chloe away from the pursuing Glithvals. All 12 will recap from January 1st-12th in case you've missed anything. The Salvation Shark resumes 1/14. I’m putting the finishing touches on a story called, “K’Tloo.” For certain people, I don’t need to say any more. The rest will understand. If you’re here with me in Binghamton, stay inside. It’s cold. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com

Read "Here in This Sorrow," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.

pauljuser.blogspot.com

If you’re here with me in Binghamton, your children may have watched Mega-Force in school this week. This quintet of strongmen go to elementary schools and rip-up phone books and teach kids how to stand up to bullies. I learned of the group from a friend that was angry when he took his son to the evening event that revealed the strongmen to be ordained pastors that passed out donation envelopes, imploring parents them to contribute hundreds of dollars, because no price can be put on saving a soul. My immediate, knee-jerk reaction was that my friend and I should do what he and I did as kids: go to the next event and make asses of ourselves. Thankfully, we’ve grown up a little and can see the truth in what everyone but Slayer says about pens and swords.

I can’t complain too much about what Mega Force does, because their operation is likewise a fairly accurate description of my unrealized plan for my elephant play, Danglehorn. Undoubtably the story forced on school-kids my radical belief in equality between people of every creed, sex, and species. However, I based as much of the story as I could on the scientifically observed behavior between elephants and rhinoceroses. Even similar, my Day Job also takes me through elementary schools to put on on sophomoric performances as well. However, my employer is a legitimate business that pays the schools for the right to have me called "Picklehead" or "Chickenbird" by hundreds of unruly children.

As far as I can tell, Mega Force doesn’t do anything out of line in the schools. Not until later do they reveal their full name, Mega Force Ministries, and convince impressionable children they will die in suicide pacts unless their parents donate hundreds of dollars immediately. 2012 may prove me wrong, but I still don’t believe we are in danger of crowbar-twisting thugs seizing power and abolishing the right to free religion. What upsets me is that in these times of economic ruin, these thugs are exploiting schools for thousands of dollars to promote their opinions on the Hereafter at the expense of the taxpayer. Imagine how quickly Americans would cry 'Terrorist' if Mega Force were Mega Muslims. Thanks for reading.

-Paul

printisbetter.blogspot.com

Laugh at Yourself First: Here in This Sorrow

Read "Here in This Sorrow," and more short fiction, scripts, and very little poetry at Laugh at Yourself First.
pauljuser.blogspot.com

I've been so busy planning for my Man-In-Sea show this past weekend that I entirely forgot to mention I had something new for December. Not 'new,' exactly. Here in this Sorrow was my first novel, and until recently was available through printisbetter books. If you've read the story already, don't fret. This version is in HIGH DEFINITION!! If high school was tough for you, and/or you devoted yourself to the Misfits, Here in this Sorrow is the book for you. Chapter 1 runs until December 15th, and the end of The Witch King's Sword, Book 2 posts Christmas Eve. The Salvation Shark, Here in this Sorrow, Witch King, and a lot more resume in 2011.

If you're here with me in Binghamton, I went to Boston this weekend. The ladyfriend and I attended Bazaar Bizarre at the Cyclotron and saw many handmade (not homemade) items eagerly purchased by hipsters. Johnny Spaceman and his theramin were not present this year, but I did meet some cool writers from the Boston Comics Roundtable. Then, we ascended the cold and rundown stairs leading to My Thai Vegan Cafe in Chinatown to eat something that looked no different than the shrimp they put on Sushi at the grocery story. On the way, we stumbled on a Banksy in a back alley. We drove home into a snowstorm that hasn't let up since. I put in a request to skip winter this year, but nobody listens to me. Thanks for reading.

-Paul
printisbetter.blogspot.com